Surprised By Grace (again)

Everyone has those low times in life, when you're unhappy or overwhelmed or disappointed or just can't quite put your finger on it. It always takes me by surprise when it happens to me. And since I was just writing my thankfulness list I feel like a real bum for being bummed. There are a lot of other people that have it worse than me for sure. But that doesn't change the way it feels. So, please, insert your "stuff" as you read.

I am fried, spent, fed up. I am fighting with a toddler and ... I'm losing. Screaming, fits at home, fits in public, failure to have a normal sleep schedule, choosiness in diaper selection, refusal to buckle into her car seat, refusing to eat with utensils are the normal of my days these days.

I feel like I never get time away and rarely get help from my husband who has been gone every night this week (at least the kind of help I'm looking for). After admitting how bad things were, I got some advice from a friend and Godly woman and it hurt. Do you think I haven't tried that? I've tried everything.

It's just hard. It's not easy to admit when your almost 2 year old gets the best of you most days.

All of a sudden I found myself overcome with frustration and anger. I went for a whole night without saying a word to Mike. I thought ugly thoughts.

That very night, when I felt like I couldn't do another sleepless night or battle-filled day, Maren slept all night. I never realized what a huge difference that makes in her mood - and mine!

Still, I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I thought just get the kids off to school, put the little girls in front of Sesame Street and go back to bed. Then I didn't feel like cleaning up, but I did. I ate breakfast. I read some Psalms over my cereal even though I didn't want to.

This is some of what I read:

Psalm 91:1-4

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God , in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will ocver you with his feathers,
and under his wigs you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Psalm 92:1-5

It is good to praise the Lord
and make music to your name, O Most High,
to proclaim your love int he morning
and your faithfulness at night
to the music of the ten-stringer lyre
and the melody of the harp.

For you make me glad by your deeds, O Lord;
I sing for joy at the works of you hands.
How great are your works, O Lord,
how profound your thoughts!

I didn't feel like taking a walk and battling Maren in the stroller, but I got my shoes on anyway.

I realized that while just keeping on with my daily activities I was receiving God's grace. Did I deserve anything good? No way! My prayers amounted to "Good grief Lord I can't take much more of this!" And out of his mercy, he helped me.

Our walk was good, both girls stayed in the stroller and I jogged. It was the first sunny and warm day of spring. I thought a lot about the words from the Psalms: trusting God, our dwelling place, giving thanks to the Lord. It hit me that I was not putting the Lord first in either battle: the one dealing with Maren OR the one trying to find joy. I was stumbling through in darkness. I can't find joy, peace or hope within myself or from any other source. That only comes from Christ.

We stopped at Mike's office so I could apologize for being a jerk. By the time we got home, I felt relief and peace.

As I headed off on a last minute Girl Scout mission (while my "unsupportive" husband took Maren with him on some errands) , I heard the song "Mighty to Save" on the radio. It's funny because I very rarely listen to Christian radio (Shhh - don't tell my Dad!). It gave me goosebumps. I love that song but I'm not sure I'm living like I believe it.

This has happened to me before when God works mightily in my heart and life and it leaves me shocked and speechless. In all honesty, I'm embarrassed to admit that at times I don't believe God can help me. Or maybe that he wouldn't want to. Those are lies of the deceiver.

"Under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield..."

I know there are hundreds of verses in the Bible that claim these truths: He is there for us, loves and cares deeply for us. Why am I surprised when He does it?

Psalm 107:10-16
Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
for they had rebelled against the words of God
and despised the counsel of the Most High.
So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
he brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom
and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for me,
for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.