Monday, July 26, 2010

Happy Birthday Old Lady

Just as my 35th birthday was approaching my body began to fall apart. I sprained my ankle. Five weeks later the swelling has gone down only a little. It's now only about the size of a plum.

As my highlights grow out, I am plucking gray hairs. Way more than usual.

I've got wrinkles, bags under my eyes and zits all at the same time.

I'm growing my hair out one last time before I'm too old to pull off long hair.

It hurts to sit on the floor.

I am almost to my 20th High School Reunion.

I've had my driver's license for nearly 20 years. And I'm still a bad driver.

I've got serious issues with jogging and bathroom stops. Serious.

Did you know that sometimes when you have five babies in a short amount of time your uterus just can't take it and falls right out? Well, I know that now. I'm confident that every single one of my babies was totally worth it. Even those that were well over nine pounds.

Nonetheless, I'm going to need to have surgery to fix it. My OB/GYN is the best. She knew exactly what to do. As she was telling me the risks involved in taking a major organ out of your body I couldn't help but smile. In a lot of ways, the benefits outweigh the risks.

Such as a night in the hospital, alone. With Cable TV. And people bringing me food in bed.

Pain medicine that will turn me into a partial dwarf: sleepy, dopey and happy!

There was the option of getting a spinal and laying very still but I told her I really could use a good nap so I'd rather be put to sleep - with one of those heated blankets.

How much does a uterus weigh? Could this be considered a weight loss surgery?

I will NEVER have to buy another box of tampons again. That is until I have four teenage daughters at which point I will buy stock in Pamprin!

No driving for two weeks.

My family going to family camp without me. That's right, home by myself for a few days.

Six weeks of no jogging, lifting or doing any cooking. Ok, she didn't say no cooking but I think it stands to reason!

It seems the final piece to my body falling apart may include dementia since I'm pretty sure a hysterectomy sounds like a nice little vacation. Well, ask me again August 12th when I feel like I've been run over by a truck and see if some sanity hasn't been socked back into me.

Until then I'm living the dream.