525,600

One year ago today, I had a CT scan. It revealed a massive ovarian tumor.
One year ago, my mom was at my house doing what she did best: laundry, cleaning and Grandma cuddling.  We thought she was healthy.  We wondered if I had cancer.

One year ago, started a chain of events that I could not have seen coming.  I had no idea what the next 525,600 minutes would bring. 

How do you measure a year? In sickness? In trial? In sorrow?

I could declare the last 12 months the worst year ever.  I could be glad that I have a new set of minutes in front of me. I can hope they are better.

But the song from the musical Rent is right: you have to measure in love.  The only way to know if the good and painful, happy and sad times in the last year mean anything is through relationships.  If I can't frame my circumstances in the love of God, family and friends then life becomes just minutes on a clock.

It's easy for life to become a list of obligations and things we have to accomplish.  I want to be sure that my next 525,600 minutes mean something. I don't want to look back and know I had a clean kitchen or a large bank account. I want to grow a real and genuine love for Christ.  I want to know that I invested in people.  That I have given myself to my husband and kids, more than just glancing up from my phone to half listen to what they are saying. I want to keep up with old friends and invest in new ones. I want to worship with other believers.

Because when you are laying in a hospital bed or sitting by a loved one's death bed, nothing matters more. 

When you have 525,600 minutes of joy and sorrow behind and before you, it must be measured in love.  Love has heightened the joy and softened the sorrow.  It has brought peace and comfort in difficult times. 


So no matter what comes in the next 525,600, I will choose love.

1 Corinthians 1:1-3
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.
  

Christmas Circumstance

Christmas is not ruled by Circumstance. 


Its light is not dulled by materialism.

Its meaning is not diminished through political correctness.

Its story is not squelched through sadness.

Its joy is not dulled by suffering.

Its freedom is not changed by family togetherness.

Its peace is not preempted by dischord.

Its message is not measured by how many people are in the pews.

Its delight is not shattered through suffering.

Its sanctity is not deterred by strife.

Its merry is not missed through misery.

Its message is not changed by cancer.

Its celebration is not dulled by death.

Its wow is not wasted in weakness.

We want to hold on to Christmas being Merry because of good things in our lives.  Happy things.  Joyful things.  But is the story of Christmas any less powerful for the cancer patient?  Or the homeless man? Or the grieving?

Absolutely not.  Christmas is not ruled by circumstance. 

Christmas is about the cradle.
Christmas is about the cross.
Christmas is about Christ.
Christmas is about God having a plan.
Christmas is about God's plan to save us from the circumstances of this world. 
Death turns to life
Sickness to health
dischord to peace
suffering and strife to joy
and weakness to strength through the baby in the manger.

Christmas is not ruled by circumstance.  Do not let circumstance rule your Christmas.

Change Changed Me

Change is hard.  Much of my time and energy is spent trying to maintain the status quo.  Even if the status quo is less than ideal, or downright miserable, it seems better than the unknown. 

There is change we choose; getting married, leaving a job, or moving.  Then there is change that happens to us; health issues, money problems, losing a loved one or losing a job.

2014 has been a year of dramatic change for me.  Some we chose and some we did not chose.  I did not choose to lose my mom to cancer, or have a big tumor removed.  I did choose to move and leave a lot of things that have been a steady comfort to me.

Whether we choose change or change chooses up, there is grief and hardship in change.  I think, especially as a woman, I interpret change as negative and it causes stress.  And in those times, like this year for me, when wave after wave of change continually sweeps through your life, it is easy to become numb. Or paralyzed by fear.

The thing I think I don't like about change is the unknown.  There is fear in not knowing what will come?  Where will we live?  Will we make new connections?  How will we go on without mom?  What is it's cancer?  How will I pay my medical bills?  Those are the kind of questions we all face when the waves of change come rolling in.

Fear is definitely a factor in my desire to resist change, but I think the biggest thing is Control.  I want to be in control of what is going on in my life.  But I can't control everything.  Nor should I.  Control and fear do not make things better but actually make me a prisoner.  Only trusting God for the future and embracing what is to come brings freedom.

The thing about change as I look back at this year, is that change has changed me. Could God be using all this change to make me trust Him more?

It is hard to fear things when I have seen some of my biggest fears. 


I sat by a bed when my mom died. And God was there.

I went to the funeral.  And God was there.

We left a ministry we thought we would stay with forever.  We did not have a plan for the future. And God is here.

We left a community we loved.  We had friends, connections and felt secure.  And God is here.

I had a tumor and surgery.  I recovered.  It was not cancer.  But what if it was?  What do I have to fear?  God is here.

The change produced in me through change is surrender.  I surrender my desire for control and security.  I hold things loosely.  Change has taken away much fear.  What do I have to fear?  I trust Christ.  He has been there.  He will be there.  Whatever comes. 

Ten years ago we were on our way to my sister-in-laws for Thanksgiving.  We had our three little kids in the van and I was pregnant with Annie.  We got off the interstate and were driving through the unknown.  I had never been there.  And I was afraid.  I realized that over every hill was excitement and adventure for Mike but for me it was fear.  What is over the next hill?

On this year's Thanksgiving road trip when we went over the hills, I couldn't help but think God is over the next hill.  Whatever comes, God is already there.

Livin' Large at the Laundromat

In the midst of moving, our dryer quit.  Trust me, there is a blessing in that.  It is one less thing we have to move. Plus,  I was not even worried because I have a huge clothes line.  But the weather is not cooperating so there was no avoiding the horrible inevitable:  The Laundromat.

Packing up all the dirty clothes for a family of 7 and heading to wash them with 3 kids in tow is no one's idea of a fun day.  I was kind of crabby and dreading it.  The younger girls were ecstatic.   Abby feels like a hobo.  As I was getting Maytag tokens I assured her, a hobo could never afford to do laundry here!

I am a slow learner.  I have had to have this shown to me more times than I care to admit.  Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  Some major, some minor.  Sometimes the minor ones feel even worse than that major ones.  I flew through handling a major surgery but the laundromat will send me into a tizzy.

In times of change and times of routine; in good times and bad times; happy time and sad times; good weather and bad weather; if there's extra money or not I trust Christ to do his work in my life.  It seems like it is often in these little things that I see Him. 

I can choose to be thankful for time with the girls, find joy in their excitement, solace in a snicker bar from the vending machine, thrill in putting five load of laundry in at one time (I wonder how much these machines are?!  I want one!) and we can all enjoy the wifi!

I can choose to be thankful for a laundromat and clothes to wash.  I can choose to accept what comes day by day with joy and make it an adventure instead of a chore.

Adventure looms every day in big ways and small.  I am going to talk about God's will in my next post.  Today has me thinking, maybe I don't know God's will for my future.  I may not know what job to get or where we should live or how to cure world hunger.  But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family needs clean clothes today and I have some time with my girls.  Plus they LOVE doing laundry here!

I can give them the gift of a happy mom that is in it for the fun and adventure with them.

Pendulum

I know all the holding loosely stuff I wrote about before is true.  I know that we are following where God is leading us.  But most of my days these last few weeks have been spent swinging back and forth like a pendulum.

From the freeing feeling of submitting to God's leading,
to the heart pounding, soul crushing fear of what on earth have we done!?

From being confident of God's promises,
to trying to hold on to my own selfish security.

From the excitement of embarking on an adventure of faith,
to the sadness of leaving the people we love, especially now that our last Sunday is coming.

It's back and forth and up and down, which I should be used to from raising teenagers!  I get so frustrated when I have those lack of faith moments where I want to hold on to the things I can see instead of the things God promises.

The thing about the pendulum is that it is based on feelings and emotions.  All the emotions are good.  If we weren't sad to leave here, there would be something wrong.  If we weren't afraid of the uncertainty, that would be weird.

It makes me realize how much, even in my Christian life, I do not let my heart and life rest on the promises of God.  Feelings, emotions and situations change, but God does not.  His word is true and constant.

I keep rereading these verses.  It is so obvious to me that I have not allowed myself to fully trust God's promises.

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

"Therefore I tell you, do no worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Matthew 5:25-26

I know it's true, but it is good to live it.  It's good when you wake up and all you can do is say Ok God what's next?  I will go where you lead and do what you want even if I have no idea what that is.

Since we made our first leap, we have had some bumps in the road and some amazing provisions of grace.  In the bumps, it is easy to second guess and doubt.  In the grace, it is easy to say yep we've got this faith thing and be proud.  So I guess we need a combination of both.

No matter how much the pendulum swings.  No matter how many times my feelings change.  No matter how sad I am about leaving.  No matter how worried I might be about the future.  The words and promises of God never change.  That is what I need to hold on to.  That is what we all need to hold on to in times of change or normal routine. Everything else, for good or for bad, is secondary to loving and serving Him.