Do I Trust You?

We just spent a few days at a water park with our kids. My husband generally hates those places. They are loud and crowded and wet. But when we were on our trip in February, I could tell he desperately missed the kids when he suggested taking them to exactly the place he loathes!

You know, it is getting easier to be away with the kids. Most of them know how to swim, sleep in a bed and use the toilet. We didn't bring a stroller or pack-n-play. I didn't have to wear a maternity or nursing swim suit. So a good time was had by all.

I'm not really the kind of girl who spends a lot of time hating how I look. I really don't. While there are certainly plenty of things that could be better, there are a lot of things that could be worse too. But after having kids, getting older and having no time to care for yourself, even the hardiest of us can start to feel a little less than enthusiastic about spending large amounts of time in a swimsuit.

I realized all this while in the hotel one night. The kids were all tucked in beds and couches and couch cushions. My husband told me he thinks I'm beautiful. When I was in the bathroom I started to doubt him. Could he really think that? He's either lying or he's an idiot. I'm not beautiful. There are plenty of women that wear a swimsuit or jeans better than I do.

So I found myself not trusting my husband. And that is not right. Maybe he does love me and find me attractive. He chose to marry me. That doubt does not come from his words or intentions, but from my heart.

When I was a little girl, I never doubted that I was pretty or loved. But as I grew up the assault began. Did you feel it? You noticed other girls that were cuter and made sure you knew it and magazines with picture perfect models. There are those days and times that I feel absolutely hideous. Fat. Ugly. Gross. And our minds instantly wonder could anyone really love this?

Those thoughts nudged my heart toward my trust in Christ. There is no need to doubt God's love. He sent His son to die for me. Jesus says He loves me and chooses me. He made me perfect.

"For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance - now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant." Hebrews 9:15

Yet I doubt Him all the time. When I go through those times of self hate, I am doubting Him and His creativity (Psalm 139:13-14). It's really quite selfish of me. When I think I am a no good failure, I am doubting His promise that he created me for a purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11) If I can't trust His love what else do I doubt? Do I doubt he forgives me? Do I believe that He is coming again?

How could I not trust the love of my creator? Maybe it's because I can't see him or feel him. But I don't think that's it because I can see and feel my husband. I think it's a deep hole in my heart. It's a hole that can only be filled in heaven. On this earth there will be pain and imperfection as a result of living in a sinful, fallen world. But in heaven, we'll be exactly the perfect creation God intended us to be. We'll be with Jesus and hear His voice. The hole will be filled.

I want my girls to be able to grow up unscathed by the doubt and self-hate but I don't know if that is possible in this world. I'm encouraged by the thought of taking those feelings and filling up the hole in our hearts with God's perfect love for us. Then we'll trust Him in a new way, on a deeper level. And that's what it's all about.


Do I Trust You, Lord?
by Twila Paris

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart
You can read my mind
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord
When I don't know why
I will trust You, Lord
Till the day I die
I will trust You, Lord
When I'm blind with pain
You were God before, and You'll never change