Stuck

I have a confession to make.  I’m not really loving being a mom right now.  I feel a little trapped.  I feel like I am never going to have the chance to do anything “significant” with my life.  And I feel totally guilty about feeling that way. 

I cannot believe that I am discontent again.  For the gazillionth time.  I am not content with continually being discontent.  I’m antsy and frustrated.  It comes out as bitterness and even downright anger at my husband.  I try to blame him for holding me back.  And even my kids. And even God.  That’s not okay with me.  I love them so much.  Why would I feel that way?

There are some women that are just made to be wives and mothers.  They like to organize and clean and take care of people and details.  That is not me. It doesn’t come naturally to me at all.  God has brought me a long way.  I get that this is part of His plan for me.  He’s molding and shaping me into a more caring, loving, humble person.  Someone more like Him. 

But those molds sure are constricting and painful sometimes.  I don’t like the squeeze.  I don’t like always having to put what I want to do aside.  I don’t like not having a minute to myself.  I don’t like being the supportive person in the background.  It bugs me to have to drop everything when I finally think I’ve got all my obligations taken care of and more appear. 

I had to go to the store today because we needed food.  We always need food.  I didn’t want to go.  I went purely out of duty.  Usually I dislike grocery shopping but realize that it’s part of how I serve my family.  But today?   I hated it.  I hated having to go out.  I hated having to spend my day and money that way.  I hated making the list, getting it all, packing it up, and unpacking it at home.  I wanted to have the day off but that’s not part of the deal.  So began the pity party.  Poor me.

I know it isn’t true.  I have a great life.  A wonderful husband and five healthy beautiful kids.  So what’s a selfish,  undomestic girl to do?

I could chose to trust Oprah.  On the cover of her magazine at the grocery store it promised to help you be the person you were meant to be and offered some easy questions to help you get there.  I could believe the lie that my life stinks and just be miserable.  I could turn to other ways to be fulfilled like reading gossip.  I could eat a whole bag of Halloween candy.  I could find a way of escape like going out or spending money.  I could believe in “the American way” and that if I work hard enough I can do anything.  I have tried all that and it only makes it worse.

These times of discontent seem to be a given.  They are going to happen.  Even though I desire to be a good mom to my kids and wife to my husband, it’s just not that easy!  The problem isn’t so much in the way I’m feeling as it is the places I’m turning to for help.

The last place I turn to is Jesus and His word.  Yet that is the only place I will find the solace, encouragement and contentment I need.  All those other places just keep the vicious cycle going.  Psalms is one of the best places to go when I feel frustrated or discontent.  So much of the Psalms are people pouring their hearts and feelings out to God.  That’s what I need to do.  He is the one that will listen with compassion and redeem my life.

 

Psalm 103:1-5

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits -

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 

There are going to be things in life that are tough, things we don’t want to do, parts of our life we don’t want to deal with.  It may be marriage, parenting, jobs, financial issues, family pressures.   All the twelve step plans and chocolate in the world will fall flat.  The only place I am going to get the grace and love to press on another day is Christ.  As I look to Him I find not only am I able to press on, but that I can do it with joy. 

 

Psalm 139:16

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

 

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord, O my sould.

I will praise the Lord all my life;

I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

Do not put your trust in princes,

in mortal men, who cannot save.

When their spirit departs, the return to the ground;

on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them -

The Lord, who remains faithful forever.

He upholds the cause of the oppressed

and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets prisoners free,

the Lord gives sight to the blind,

the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,

the Lord loves the righteous.

The lord watches over the alien

and sustains the fatherless and the widow,

but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever,

your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the Lord.