Commitments

As I was driving home today I noticed red and yellow leaves on the trees. We went to the school open house tonight and had fun playing with friends and seeing new classrooms. And as fall comes I am struggling with commitment. If I commit to everything I did last year I may need to be committed.

I hate being stuck at home so I usually fill my schedule up. It's full with good things and things I like doing: bible studies, girl scouts, Sunday school, volunteering in classrooms. But I was forever cleaning or planning for the next thing. And I have no desire to do it again. I'm already tired of it and I've had all summer off.

Annie is growing up quickly. She insisted on bringing her own backpack to the open house tonight stuffed so full she could harldy lift it. It's her last year at home. Next year she'll go to Kindergarten every day. I want to take the girls to story time and do the pre-school reading program and go to the park and make play dough like I did with the older kids. If I don't change my time commitments these years are going to slip away.

My family is my most important ministry and I don't want to let anything get in the way of that. But things do get in the way. All the time. There are some things that are easy to weed out. Things I don't care about, don't enjoy or do just to please others. I'm getting better at saying no in those situations.

But sometimes I feel like it's a cop out. Am I hiding behind motherhood? I'm needed to serve at church. I enjoy sitting at my table talking about the Bible. Maybe I am just being selfish.

The thing is that there are other people that can lead girl scouts and host Bible study and teach Sunday school. If there isn't anyone and it doesn't happen, the world will go on. But there is no one else that is going to come over and mother my children. Goodness knows I would love it if someone would most days. God uses the family as a means of teaching and nurturing, where kids can experience unconditional love and acceptance. It's the primary place they will learn about God's love and salvation. It's important to God that I take that job seriously.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

It's not selfish or a cop out to choose my family.

I'm selfish for choosing the needs of others over theirs. I'm selfish for seeking my own glory instead of God's. I'm a cop out for not trusting in Christ for the contentment I need.

Even though I will have commitments to fulfill this year, I'm going to choose my family. My decisions may not make sense to most. When I am up to my elbows in play dough, they may not even make sense to me. But since my own wisdom has come up short in the past, I'm going to lean on His instead.


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Something to Believe In

We've been losing teeth like crazy lately. Our kids don't really believe in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy but they want to. They go between trying to prove it's real to poking holes in the arguments. Mike's kind of a self-proclaimed expert because, well, he has actually met the tooth fairy.

Years ago when Mike's nephew Ethan was 8 or 9 we stayed at their house the very day he had lost a tooth. We were slated to sleep in his room and he was very concerned how the tooth fairy would find him. It seems unreliable tooth fairies run in the family because his tooth fairy forgot. In the morning the poor boy was devastated that the tooth fairy didn't come. Mike had put the change from his pocket on the dresser the night before and told him the tooth fairy came and tried to find his tooth but found Mike instead so he wrestled with her and the money went flying onto the dresser. I don't know if he actually believed him but he sure wanted to.














Jenna came running out of the bathroom the other day with a bloody mouth yelling, "I pulled my own tooth out!" The trouble is we have a very forgetful and lazy tooth fairy. She just doesn't do the best job. So as the kids put a tooth under their pillow they say things like, "I sure hope the tooth fairy doesn't forget again!" At that very moment, the tooth fairy makes a mental note to be sure to remember to put a dollar under the pillow when it's time for bed. But fairies have a lot on their minds sometimes or are too busy eating ice cream to remember. To make up for forgetting, the price doubles the next night.

Sometimes the male tooth fairy is better. The other night when he went in to collect the tooth (because the girl fairy remembered as she was falling asleep) he found a note that went like this:
















Dear Tooth Fairy,
I yanked out my own tooth. Do I get double?


So the tooth fairy left this note:
















Dear Miss Jenna,
I am sorry to inform you that I cannot pay you double for pulling your own teeth. In fact, according to section 5072 of the tooth pulling manual, that job is reserved for Dentists and Dads. By the way, you have a very handsome Dad. Thanks for the tooth; here's your dollar.

The Tooth Fairy

Isn't the make-believe world fun?

Road Rage

I've been doing a lot of running around with the kids: school shopping, appointments, end of summer outings. No one would consider me a good driver. And even more so now that I drive a beast of a van. Last night as our family was heading off to a back to school swimming party the kids started telling Dad about our car adventures. In my defense, every single road in the Duluth area is under construction.

The kids commentary came in rapid fire style:

"Mom was honking at a guy because he wouldn't go even though the light had been green forever."

"Then we turned on this road and someone was honking at us. Mom called him a jerk."

"Some car pulled out right in front of us even though there was plenty of room behind us."

"Mom told the lady in front of her to quit playing with her hair and drive but sometimes Mom does that too."

"When we got to the doctor's office we couldn't fit in any parking spaces and Mom yelled 'I hate this stupid car!'"

All of this is unfortunately true. And even though I couldn't help but chuckle as they were relaying all this information to Mike, it was pretty telling: sometimes I get angry.

Most people think I'm very patient and calm. And I really am, when I have an audience. In reality, I tend to get quickly annoyed and frustrated when things aren't going the way I want them to which as a parent happens basically every day. It's not something I want to talk about. It's so much nicer to portray myself as the parent I hope to be or know I should be.

And it's not just when I'm driving: when we were school shopping at Target we had some drinks that kept getting spilled, at the doctors office they wouldn't keep their hands off all the fascinating models of the human ear, at home they are constantly fighting and tattling or destroying the house.

Oftentimes I fly off the handle and use harsh words then I feel terrible and seek their forgiveness. It's been a constant battle for balance over my years as a parent. I want to be calm and loving. I keep on trying and trying. But it doesn't seem to work. I don't think I can do it.

The crazy thing is that all of this is happening as I'm trying to teach my kids to speak kindly and lovingly to each other. I do not want them to get angry and yell. Obviously I've got a problem here. I know some moms who always use calm voices but it does not seem to have an impact of the screaming in their homes. I do think it's important to be calm. There are times that call for a stern word or a raised voice but that's different from an angry lashing out.

I've prayed for patience a lot which there's no doubt I need, but I think it might be a little deeper than that. There's ugliness in my heart that comes pouring out of my mouth.
Matthew 12:34-37 says:

You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.

Pride is at the root of many of my problems. My way is better and you'd better fall in line whether your in front of me at an intersection or sitting in a car seat in my van. Unfortunately my passengers actually hear what I say and can't drive away.

Another culprit is what I fill my heart with. Are the things I listen to, watch and read filling my heart with Jesus? Not so much.

Instead of continually trying and failing to control my tongue, God wants to change my heart. I do not want to say angry words to my kids. I want what comes out of my mouth to be loving and faith-building. Until I trust Jesus to wash the sin and pride out of my heart, my words will stay ugly. I don't need to try harder, I need to trust Him more. I need Jesus to wash away the sin in my heart and replace it with His love and gentleness. If I can get that flowing out of my mouth we'll be in good shape.


Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Ecclesiastes 5:2
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

Alone Time

None of us got a lot of sleep last night. We got home from a wedding in the wee hours of the morning. Mike had to leave for a conference and Maren decided to wake up early. She was as ornery as I was. She climbed up on the counter and took off her clothes. When I told her she had to get down and get dressed she cried and ran around naked finally landing on a living room chair which she peed all over. It was not a good way to start the day.

As I was doing my 7th or 8th load of laundry and putting it away in between making lunch and mopping up from finding the sink left on and overflowing in the bathroom, I started to grumble.

Where's Mike? Why does he have to be gone all day on a Saturday? I bet they are having a nice lunch now.

When is it my turn? How long do my needs and desires have to be last?

What if it's never my turn or "me-time"? I've got at least 16 more years of active parenting. Do you know how old I'll be by then?

I grumble about those things a lot. But I was unusually bitter about it today.

And in my heart I kept getting the answer No. And Forever. Translation: it may never be your turn. Ever. Can you live with that?

I've never thought that God speaks to me but where did that come from? He was certainly impressing something on my heart. Something like grow up and get over yourself. Making you give and give is a great work I am doing in your life.

And I know that I am called to give and serve like Christ. But I don't know how to find the balance. I mean I'm human and being demanded of all the time takes its toll.

I've had a few little breakdowns over the last few weeks. Usually it entails complaining about never having a break and then feeling like the worst mother ever for wanting one. So is it selfish to want to spend time alone; away from kids, husbands and household responsibilities?

Usually when I'm tapped out and need refreshment I focus on myself. But that's just surface stuff. If I make my time alone God-centered that's when I get true refreshment. Oh, when I get the chance I like to run off to the mall thrift store, but that usually leaves me more tired. What I really need is for God to fill me up so that I can return and give (and give and give till it hurts) to the family I love.

Only through God's grace and strength can I find the refreshment I need.

So can I really live with being last? Can you?

Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Matthew 11:29

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Outnumbered

I remember when we had our third baby and realized we were outnumbered. It was a little bit scary. But we obviously overcame the fear and had a few more. I know a lot of people think I'm crazy. Somedays I think they are right.

Last winter I was visiting with some dear friends from college after a baby shower for one of them. Someone said they weren't going to have more kids because they "just want to be sure they do a good job with the two they have." Was she implying that I couldn't possibly be doing a good job with five? I'm sure she didn't mean it to be offensive. Being a woman and a Mom I tend to over react. But it did get me thinking about if I could possibly do a good job being so hopelessly outnumbered.

Big families live life differently. It may appear odd or abnormal or even unhealthy to the untrained eye. They drive large vehicles, shop in bulk and have lots of bunk beds. It becomes more of a herd mentality or zone defense.

Sometimes, we are unable to play board games or go certain places because of the little kids. The age span means varied interests. The bigger kids don't want to play in the kiddie pool or do play dough anymore. We can't up and go out to dinner or a movie because it just costs too much for seven people. We have to limit activities and sports because we can't be in five places at once. Everyone has to help out with chores because there is a lot to do.

So does having a large family hold us back? Sure, in some ways it absolutely does.

Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. The kids are learning patience, sacrifice and teamwork. They can occupy themselves and learn to play together because I'm usually too busy doing laundry to play. They are becoming close friends (that fight a lot).

There's sacrifice on the parents end too. Having more than two kids means committing decades to parenting. That's right, decades.

Tomorrow night we are going to a wedding. The groom grew up in our church. There are six kids in his family. He's in the middle somewhere. They never had a lot of money or a fancy house, but seeing those kids as adults is so amazing. They are such a close knit family and do everything together. They have grown up to be thoughtful and caring. And that gives me hope!

I love the activity and energy of our big family. And it's a good thing I do since it's too late to change my mind!