Alone Time

None of us got a lot of sleep last night. We got home from a wedding in the wee hours of the morning. Mike had to leave for a conference and Maren decided to wake up early. She was as ornery as I was. She climbed up on the counter and took off her clothes. When I told her she had to get down and get dressed she cried and ran around naked finally landing on a living room chair which she peed all over. It was not a good way to start the day.

As I was doing my 7th or 8th load of laundry and putting it away in between making lunch and mopping up from finding the sink left on and overflowing in the bathroom, I started to grumble.

Where's Mike? Why does he have to be gone all day on a Saturday? I bet they are having a nice lunch now.

When is it my turn? How long do my needs and desires have to be last?

What if it's never my turn or "me-time"? I've got at least 16 more years of active parenting. Do you know how old I'll be by then?

I grumble about those things a lot. But I was unusually bitter about it today.

And in my heart I kept getting the answer No. And Forever. Translation: it may never be your turn. Ever. Can you live with that?

I've never thought that God speaks to me but where did that come from? He was certainly impressing something on my heart. Something like grow up and get over yourself. Making you give and give is a great work I am doing in your life.

And I know that I am called to give and serve like Christ. But I don't know how to find the balance. I mean I'm human and being demanded of all the time takes its toll.

I've had a few little breakdowns over the last few weeks. Usually it entails complaining about never having a break and then feeling like the worst mother ever for wanting one. So is it selfish to want to spend time alone; away from kids, husbands and household responsibilities?

Usually when I'm tapped out and need refreshment I focus on myself. But that's just surface stuff. If I make my time alone God-centered that's when I get true refreshment. Oh, when I get the chance I like to run off to the mall thrift store, but that usually leaves me more tired. What I really need is for God to fill me up so that I can return and give (and give and give till it hurts) to the family I love.

Only through God's grace and strength can I find the refreshment I need.

So can I really live with being last? Can you?

Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Matthew 11:29

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."