I consider myself to be a good mother. The kids are one of the top priorities in my life and life does tend to revolve around their needs. I know I will have to help them face and deal with disappointment in their lives. It seems like it will get harder as they get older. I can remember disappointment in my life growing up through friends, missed opportunities, and not making the team. So I guess I have some experience and can empathize. But it never really crossed my mind that I would at times be the CAUSE of disappointment and hurt in their life.
I'm not talking about the kind of hurt or disappointment that comes when you accidentally slam your sons hand in the sliding door of the van. That hurts, but I don't think that physical pain is anything compared to the heart hurt that our kids are exposed to.
One night we were all busily making notecards and Grant got this great idea to make a card for Mike. It was adorable it said, "Merry Christmas, Thank You For Being Our Paster!" He wanted to meet with the Elders of the church to plan to get everyone to sign it. Once he gets an idea in his head there is just no talking him out of it. With all my motherly compassion, I quickly dismissed the idea and swiftly broke his heart. His eyes filled with tears and he didn't want to help anymore and went off to his room. I felt horrible. If I make one of the girls cry it isn't too big of a deal because they do it all the time, but our laid back boy hardly ever has an emotional breakdown. Anyway, we worked it out and he had a plan which I think we all forgot about in the midst of the Christmas frenzy anyway. Nevertheless, It was an eye-opening experience for me.
At times I can be the cause of hurt and disappointment because I am tired, busy or thinking of other things. It is so easy to flippantly put down an idea or story just because it seems insignificant to me and I'm too busy to stop and pay attention. Or at times I get mad and yell over something, like a muddy shoeprint on the floor, that just isn't a big deal. All those times are so frustrating to look back on because usually the kids are just innocent victims of my bad mood or inattentiveness. I realized that I have to pray for help to not act on my emotions. And to not be so into what I am doing or listening to on the radio that what they have to say or need sets me off. (and of course there are times when they need to learn to wait).
There will also be times when I HAVE to cause disappointment. They may want to do something that is wrong or will hurt them. Sometimes leading them towards Christ will require no's that will be disappointing at the time. I have to learn to accept that as the parent I can't just be their buddies and let anything go. That's not what is best for them.
I want to be able to hug them when they are disappointed, hurt with them and encourage them. I want to not disappoint them myself whenever I can. But ultimately I guess I need to teach them to have faith in the One that will never disappoint them. He is never to busy or snaps back because He's in a bad mood. He understands their feelings and thoughts more than anyone else. This is another place where we want to run into Jesus' gracious arms. I think I better do that too because disappointment and hurt do not magically disappear when you turn 21. And I know drawing on His strength is the only way I can attempt to avoid causing those things in my kids.
And Jesus is the only one who can help me deal with my disappointment in myself when I mess up. He is the great healer and comforter which I need a lot of because it seems like I am blowing it all the time. This is such a big job and so important to me, but in order for it to work I need to rest in God's hands. Why I keep trying to do it on my own is beyond me!
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Psalm 42:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
Normal
Ahhh, it's the first week in January and as fun as Christmas is, it's always a bit of a relief to get back to "normal". It feels like we put an addition on the house when we get the Christmas tree out every year. New Year's Resolutions (mine is to faithfully blog every day!) and what is it about Rubbermaid bins in January? I just want to buy lots of them and get organized. Nothing makes me happier at this time of the year than putting all my stuff in a plastic box and stacking it in the basement. Mike thinks I am totally insane.
There are not that many times in my life that I have felt really glad to be called normal, but last month I thought it was great. When we had our first ultra sound in December they found a cyst in the baby's brain. My doctor mentioned it and suggested that it might be a sign of Down's Syndrome but wanted us to meet with her partner who is a specialist. So we had two weeks to wonder and think about the what if's and why's.
Times like these are really telling of our faith. I SAY that I want God to be in control of my life and trust him with everything, but when things come up that don't seem to be according to plan I start to realize that actually I want to be in control and that it is difficult to trust God in a path that is uncertain and hard.
How do I give everything over to Him? But as I was thinking about it, I realized that I cannot possibly be in control nor would I want to be. Even if I took my prenatal vitamins every day, only ate organic food, exercised regularly and did absolutely everything "right", ultimately there are still risks involved in pregnancy (and life). We can't control that. So I'm thankful for a faith where I can trust the One who is in control. The path that I would choose wouldn't necessarily be what is best. Most people say they have grown and learned the most through the difficult times in their life and I would have to agree. Is it really walking by faith if I know everything is going to turn out perfectly according to me?
It's been very humbling to realize that I need to rely on Jesus. Even when the future is unclear (and when isn't it?) my job is to honor and glorify God with my life. What better way to show my kids and those around me what the Christian life is truly about than to glorify Him in the good times and the hard times. I haven't had too much experience in this area but the only experience I think I need is that of putting my life in His hands every day, whatever comes my way. That way when the murky unknown path comes, I should just keep doing what I've always been doing.
So, when we had our follow up ultra sound with the "specialist", she said they were actually not looking at Down's Syndrome, but Trisomy 18 which is fatal. But the cyst was gone and there was no heart defect which almost always goes with it. She said it happens that the cysts can resolve themselves because the brain is changing and developing so fast at this stage. Of course, there is always a risk, but she gave us a "normal". No doubt we were relieved, but even more than that I am thankful for God showing me areas where I need to rely on Him. Whatever the outcome of any situation in my life, I will praise and glorify Him. I will follow in faith even when it is foggy and hazy before me. The funny thing is, what other choice do I have? I can trust in the doctors, the ultrasounds, the vitamins, the parenting books; or I can trust in the God of the Universe. It doesn't seem like a hard choice.
I better go pack up my Rubbermaids!
Romans 3:3
What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness?
There are not that many times in my life that I have felt really glad to be called normal, but last month I thought it was great. When we had our first ultra sound in December they found a cyst in the baby's brain. My doctor mentioned it and suggested that it might be a sign of Down's Syndrome but wanted us to meet with her partner who is a specialist. So we had two weeks to wonder and think about the what if's and why's.
Times like these are really telling of our faith. I SAY that I want God to be in control of my life and trust him with everything, but when things come up that don't seem to be according to plan I start to realize that actually I want to be in control and that it is difficult to trust God in a path that is uncertain and hard.
How do I give everything over to Him? But as I was thinking about it, I realized that I cannot possibly be in control nor would I want to be. Even if I took my prenatal vitamins every day, only ate organic food, exercised regularly and did absolutely everything "right", ultimately there are still risks involved in pregnancy (and life). We can't control that. So I'm thankful for a faith where I can trust the One who is in control. The path that I would choose wouldn't necessarily be what is best. Most people say they have grown and learned the most through the difficult times in their life and I would have to agree. Is it really walking by faith if I know everything is going to turn out perfectly according to me?
It's been very humbling to realize that I need to rely on Jesus. Even when the future is unclear (and when isn't it?) my job is to honor and glorify God with my life. What better way to show my kids and those around me what the Christian life is truly about than to glorify Him in the good times and the hard times. I haven't had too much experience in this area but the only experience I think I need is that of putting my life in His hands every day, whatever comes my way. That way when the murky unknown path comes, I should just keep doing what I've always been doing.
So, when we had our follow up ultra sound with the "specialist", she said they were actually not looking at Down's Syndrome, but Trisomy 18 which is fatal. But the cyst was gone and there was no heart defect which almost always goes with it. She said it happens that the cysts can resolve themselves because the brain is changing and developing so fast at this stage. Of course, there is always a risk, but she gave us a "normal". No doubt we were relieved, but even more than that I am thankful for God showing me areas where I need to rely on Him. Whatever the outcome of any situation in my life, I will praise and glorify Him. I will follow in faith even when it is foggy and hazy before me. The funny thing is, what other choice do I have? I can trust in the doctors, the ultrasounds, the vitamins, the parenting books; or I can trust in the God of the Universe. It doesn't seem like a hard choice.
I better go pack up my Rubbermaids!
Romans 3:3
What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Why Is This So Hard!
I've had several people tell me that they are feeling totally overwhelmed with two kids and didn't know how I could keep up with 4 1/2. I've been thinking about that because I have felt overwhelmed at each stage of parenting.
Having a brand new baby for the first time is tough because it is all so new and you aren't used to living your life for someone else. The second baby is a kicker because it is totally overwhelming to double the work but at the same time it is really exciting because you know how great the first baby is. But your hands and days are full, and you are exhausted.
After I had baby number 3 a few things clicked in my head and heart and I think that's why it almost feels easier now (I said ALMOST). I think with one or two kids you still feel like you should be able to do it all. Have them and you dressed perfectly, have a spotless house, get to every function you used to, do all the shopping and laundry in a timely manner with a toddler and infant in tow, and possibly still have a career. After number three came along I realized I could not do it all. I had to let go of some things. There are days the kids are in their pajamas or a diaper all morning, there are (I'm ashamed to admit this) weeks that go by and the floor doesn't get mopped, or at times I send Mike to the grocery store with a list because we only have some old lettuce left in the fridge. And as hard as it was to let some of those things go, I guess I really didn't have a choice. It was let go or go insane!
If there is going to be any time for enjoyment or play with the kids, some things have to wait. I always want to have the house clean when they get home or before a holiday but guess what - they don't care! I still try to live in a clean and welcoming home but don't sweat it anymore when there are crumbs on the floor for a little while so I can do something important like read Goodnight Moon again or play legos. So, I guess I learned that I can't do it all - unless I can go with no sleep because if I utilized the time between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. better I could probably get a lot of cleaning and laundry done.
I also learned to choose my battles better with the kids. In some ways I've "quit sweating the small stuff". The other day Annie ran away from me mid-diaper change. I told her to come back and she crossed her arms, cocked her hear, furrowed her brows and glared at me. Now if my older two had done that I would have been irate, but I just started laughing. That is not how I should or would handle it normally (She does need to obey) but it was kind of cute and we still got the diaper changed. I felt a lot less stressed. I don't mind if nap time gets missed or changed anymore. My friend (a first time mom) refered to herself as the Nap Nazi! I just love that. I used to be that. There was no way anything could get in the way of nap time. (Usually it was because I needed a nap too). Well, now life happens and there are days it is late, non-existent or in the car.
We made gingerbread cookies last night. It was a total mess and everyone wanted to help. In the middle of it all we had to have supper. I found myself getting kind of irritated. But it was the process of doing it that was important, not how cute the cookies turned out or how messy everything was (there was green frosting everywhere!) It was something the kids wanted to do and we had fun doing it together. They were excited to have the finished product in their lunches today. I'll finish cleaning up this afternoon hopefully!
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a clean house, routine, showers (for me) and discipline but when you have kids life can't always roll the way we planned. So going on to five kids in the house I just have to realize that there will be messes, chaos and hopefully fun. I think when I was trying to do it all, I was miserable and it made my family miserable.
So don't let the overwhelming feeling of dealing with your kids and responsibilities get in the way of enjoying the time. Find the things you need to loosen up on or let go of or get help with! My older ones that had me overwhelmed are in school full-time already! Those years went by in the blink of an eye. I don't look back and wish everything had been perfect, I'm glad for the time we spent together.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -
and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God -
not by works, so that no one can boast.
For we are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Having a brand new baby for the first time is tough because it is all so new and you aren't used to living your life for someone else. The second baby is a kicker because it is totally overwhelming to double the work but at the same time it is really exciting because you know how great the first baby is. But your hands and days are full, and you are exhausted.
After I had baby number 3 a few things clicked in my head and heart and I think that's why it almost feels easier now (I said ALMOST). I think with one or two kids you still feel like you should be able to do it all. Have them and you dressed perfectly, have a spotless house, get to every function you used to, do all the shopping and laundry in a timely manner with a toddler and infant in tow, and possibly still have a career. After number three came along I realized I could not do it all. I had to let go of some things. There are days the kids are in their pajamas or a diaper all morning, there are (I'm ashamed to admit this) weeks that go by and the floor doesn't get mopped, or at times I send Mike to the grocery store with a list because we only have some old lettuce left in the fridge. And as hard as it was to let some of those things go, I guess I really didn't have a choice. It was let go or go insane!
If there is going to be any time for enjoyment or play with the kids, some things have to wait. I always want to have the house clean when they get home or before a holiday but guess what - they don't care! I still try to live in a clean and welcoming home but don't sweat it anymore when there are crumbs on the floor for a little while so I can do something important like read Goodnight Moon again or play legos. So, I guess I learned that I can't do it all - unless I can go with no sleep because if I utilized the time between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. better I could probably get a lot of cleaning and laundry done.
I also learned to choose my battles better with the kids. In some ways I've "quit sweating the small stuff". The other day Annie ran away from me mid-diaper change. I told her to come back and she crossed her arms, cocked her hear, furrowed her brows and glared at me. Now if my older two had done that I would have been irate, but I just started laughing. That is not how I should or would handle it normally (She does need to obey) but it was kind of cute and we still got the diaper changed. I felt a lot less stressed. I don't mind if nap time gets missed or changed anymore. My friend (a first time mom) refered to herself as the Nap Nazi! I just love that. I used to be that. There was no way anything could get in the way of nap time. (Usually it was because I needed a nap too). Well, now life happens and there are days it is late, non-existent or in the car.
We made gingerbread cookies last night. It was a total mess and everyone wanted to help. In the middle of it all we had to have supper. I found myself getting kind of irritated. But it was the process of doing it that was important, not how cute the cookies turned out or how messy everything was (there was green frosting everywhere!) It was something the kids wanted to do and we had fun doing it together. They were excited to have the finished product in their lunches today. I'll finish cleaning up this afternoon hopefully!
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a clean house, routine, showers (for me) and discipline but when you have kids life can't always roll the way we planned. So going on to five kids in the house I just have to realize that there will be messes, chaos and hopefully fun. I think when I was trying to do it all, I was miserable and it made my family miserable.
So don't let the overwhelming feeling of dealing with your kids and responsibilities get in the way of enjoying the time. Find the things you need to loosen up on or let go of or get help with! My older ones that had me overwhelmed are in school full-time already! Those years went by in the blink of an eye. I don't look back and wish everything had been perfect, I'm glad for the time we spent together.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -
and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God -
not by works, so that no one can boast.
For we are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Competition
I know competition can be a good thing for business, but is it good for our kids? We are on the doorstep athletic and academic pursuits with our kids I am wondering if it is possible to raise gracious kids in our society. Doesn't it seem like all the kids around you have an attitude? I'm realizing that the problem doesn't start with the kids, it starts with the parents! Those of you that know me know that I am not a competitive person, I like games like LifeStories where we all talk and everyone wins, but the things I've been noticing lately seem a little over the top!
At Elementary Track and Field Day I seriously heard some parents yelling to the FIRST GRADER, Don't let those girls beat you - Run Harder!
At Gymnastics Parents Night there was a lady who was talking on her cell phone the entire time, however she did take breif time outs to yell to her daughter not to slow down on the way to the springboard and to jump higher.
The Elementary Basketball program in our little town doesn't seem to be highly competitive, but there have been parents calling coaches demanding their kids be moved up to a better team. They are obviously too good to be losing so much.
We have a friend, who is now well out of high school, and his mom once went into the locker room at half time to yell at him for how he was playing basektball. Wow!
So there are parents who push their kids during swimming lessons, push them to get the best grades, to be first in everything: first in line, first in sports, first in academics.
So, how do I raise my kids in this setting? I want to teach them to enjoy playing the sport and do their best and to do their best in school. But I don't want them to think the world will end if they miss a shot, or fall in gymnastics or get a few wrong on a test.
I think we have to teach them to truly value others as Children of God. They can learn to applaud the achievements of their teammates and classmates and not feel jealous. If their "self-esteem" comes from the fact that Jesus Christ has saved them and loves them and has a plan for them they won't need to prove to everyone how worthy they are. I can show them that our love, support and approval for them does not center around their achievements. No doubt, I am proud of them for their achievements but that doesn't make me love them more.
We've probably all seen kids either driven to total over achievement or feeling like they will never measure up so why even bother by the time they are in junior high or high school. I feel bad for some of these kids, they are being set up for disappointment. And you know our friend, the one whose Mom came into the locker room? He got to his first big time college game as a quarterback, blew out his knee and never played again. Had he not found Christ, what would his reaction have been? And all these kids are someday going to leave the little bubble of their home and their school and realize (to their shock) that there are people out there that are better than them! Can you believe it?
Here's another area where I have to infuse the love of Jesus Christ into my parenting. They need to learn to press on in the important things of life, their realtionship with Jesus. So I know we aren't doing the kids any favors by raising them with the "first and best" mentality, but sometimes I get tired of listening to other people pound their own drums so to speak and want to whip out my kids latest test scores or something. Maybe I'm more competitive than I thought!
Ecclesiastes 9:11
"I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everthing that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,
and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes of Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith,
who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary or lose heart."
At Elementary Track and Field Day I seriously heard some parents yelling to the FIRST GRADER, Don't let those girls beat you - Run Harder!
At Gymnastics Parents Night there was a lady who was talking on her cell phone the entire time, however she did take breif time outs to yell to her daughter not to slow down on the way to the springboard and to jump higher.
The Elementary Basketball program in our little town doesn't seem to be highly competitive, but there have been parents calling coaches demanding their kids be moved up to a better team. They are obviously too good to be losing so much.
We have a friend, who is now well out of high school, and his mom once went into the locker room at half time to yell at him for how he was playing basektball. Wow!
So there are parents who push their kids during swimming lessons, push them to get the best grades, to be first in everything: first in line, first in sports, first in academics.
So, how do I raise my kids in this setting? I want to teach them to enjoy playing the sport and do their best and to do their best in school. But I don't want them to think the world will end if they miss a shot, or fall in gymnastics or get a few wrong on a test.
I think we have to teach them to truly value others as Children of God. They can learn to applaud the achievements of their teammates and classmates and not feel jealous. If their "self-esteem" comes from the fact that Jesus Christ has saved them and loves them and has a plan for them they won't need to prove to everyone how worthy they are. I can show them that our love, support and approval for them does not center around their achievements. No doubt, I am proud of them for their achievements but that doesn't make me love them more.
We've probably all seen kids either driven to total over achievement or feeling like they will never measure up so why even bother by the time they are in junior high or high school. I feel bad for some of these kids, they are being set up for disappointment. And you know our friend, the one whose Mom came into the locker room? He got to his first big time college game as a quarterback, blew out his knee and never played again. Had he not found Christ, what would his reaction have been? And all these kids are someday going to leave the little bubble of their home and their school and realize (to their shock) that there are people out there that are better than them! Can you believe it?
Here's another area where I have to infuse the love of Jesus Christ into my parenting. They need to learn to press on in the important things of life, their realtionship with Jesus. So I know we aren't doing the kids any favors by raising them with the "first and best" mentality, but sometimes I get tired of listening to other people pound their own drums so to speak and want to whip out my kids latest test scores or something. Maybe I'm more competitive than I thought!
Ecclesiastes 9:11
"I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everthing that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,
and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes of Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith,
who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary or lose heart."
Monday, December 11, 2006
I'm No Stallion!
I had the chance to go to a baby shower for a friend of mine from college this weekend. Several of my friends were there with little babies I had not yet met. We had a blast reminiscing about dorm life and pranks. As I was thinking about being a new mom I was reminded that God really works in us through mothering. The transition of realizing you will "accomplish" very little every day is tough.
One day a while ago I happened to have the Today show on and it must have been a slow news day because they were doing a story about Lipizzaner Stallions. They are the fancy horses that leap in the air. Did you know that they do not show the female Lipizzaner's - all they are responsible for is continuing the breed! Somehow I was able to identify with that. I want to be the stallion out there, all dolled up and leaping for the crowds. But it seems my job is actually just continuing the breed and caring for the young ones. It just doesn't seem fair!
Is there a bigger dose of humility that motherhood? I mean I can think of the times that I am honored for being a mother - Mother's Day and they days I have given birth. That's about it (ok - I'm exaggerating) but that is how it feels! Does anyone care that I have given up so much for this? All of a sudden the things you think need to get done have to take a permanent back seat to the needs of others. I've had some draining people in my life before I had kids, but there were boundaries. They didn't LIVE with me or walk into the bathroom while I was trying to take a shower.
So as I was remembering myself as the crazy college student, new wife, new mom I realized that I am really glad that I'm no stallion! I don't want to go back to the person I was (ok maybe the pant size I was). God has brought forth changes in me that are for the better big time. And as I think of the things that seemed so hard to give up at the time, they seem like little pebbles of sand now. This seems to be one of the ways God is helping me become more like Him.
Luke 1:46-49
"And Mary said:
My Soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me -
holy is his name."
One day a while ago I happened to have the Today show on and it must have been a slow news day because they were doing a story about Lipizzaner Stallions. They are the fancy horses that leap in the air. Did you know that they do not show the female Lipizzaner's - all they are responsible for is continuing the breed! Somehow I was able to identify with that. I want to be the stallion out there, all dolled up and leaping for the crowds. But it seems my job is actually just continuing the breed and caring for the young ones. It just doesn't seem fair!
Is there a bigger dose of humility that motherhood? I mean I can think of the times that I am honored for being a mother - Mother's Day and they days I have given birth. That's about it (ok - I'm exaggerating) but that is how it feels! Does anyone care that I have given up so much for this? All of a sudden the things you think need to get done have to take a permanent back seat to the needs of others. I've had some draining people in my life before I had kids, but there were boundaries. They didn't LIVE with me or walk into the bathroom while I was trying to take a shower.
So as I was remembering myself as the crazy college student, new wife, new mom I realized that I am really glad that I'm no stallion! I don't want to go back to the person I was (ok maybe the pant size I was). God has brought forth changes in me that are for the better big time. And as I think of the things that seemed so hard to give up at the time, they seem like little pebbles of sand now. This seems to be one of the ways God is helping me become more like Him.
Luke 1:46-49
"And Mary said:
My Soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me -
holy is his name."
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