A Long Time Coming, Part Three

I have relatives that live in the Red River Valley so I notice when every spring there is flooding in the areas around Grand Forks and Fargo.  They build huge levees and put out tons of sandbags to stop the water from overrunning the town.  But no matter how many engineers work on it, how high it is or how much money it cost, it’s always unknown if it’s going to hold until the waters begin to rise.

About a week after my telling visit with the doctor, the waters began to rise in our marriage.  Actually they came flooding right through the sandbags. Some issues came to light that were big enough that my husband took a leave of absence from work.  There were some pretty difficult days, but they were also powerful. 

I think in the past I’ve been pretty honest about marriage.  It’s hard work.  Monotonous at times.  But God’s grace was really abundant for us during that time as He brought us together in a much deeper way.  We were able to respond with mutual brokenness and confession.  And we were able to offer each other forgiveness.  Because, if you hadn’t noticed already, there are two people in every marriage.  So even though one person may be solely responsible for certain words or actions, there are two people who have contributed to the “state of the union,” so to speak.  That part came easily for us.  I can look back and see God preparing us and beginning the process of healing before we even realized it.  I have never been more overwhelmed by the love I have for my husband than I was that day.  I have never felt that everything pales in comparison to our relationship and being my husband’s wife.

I know it’s not that simple for everyone and don’t want to paint an unrealistic rosy picture.  For lots of people, there are big hurts, unwilling hearts, anger and I don’t want to dismiss any of that.  These last months are some of the toughest I have been through.  But I think one of the best things for us was that neither of us was pointing the finger at each other.  We were both willing to admit our faults and forgive each other.  It’s easy to confuse forgetfulness with forgiveness.  Forgiveness does not make it okay or no big deal.  Forgiveness brings it under the blood of Christ. 

God has blessed us with a great time of healing.  It was honestly very quick and miraculous for us.  I know you may not believe me.  Being the great woman of faith that I am, I probably wouldn’t believe you if you said it either.  The questions I have as to why he can allow healing for my marriage but not for others is perplexing to me.  That’s something that I struggle with and have no answers for.  It’s similar to why He chooses to heal some people and let others die, or let us live in America with everything we want while there are children starving in Africa.  I do know that God is in control.  It’s all part of his sovereignty, His plan. 

That being said, in my mind, there is no other explanation for my life.  I am a selfish person.  Easily annoyed and difficult to live with.  There is no way in my human state I would choose to be loving and gracious instead of mean and vindictive.  My response is nothing less than God working in and changing me. 

We spent some time at a retreat center with a counselor.  We both are saddened that we took for granted what God had given us in each other.  It’s such a relief now that there is peace in our marriage.  Deep peace.  It’s not like we were fighting all the time before but there was a lot of underlying tension. 

We were reading a book called “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas and he has a chapter about having contempt for contempt.  That resonated with me because now when there is tension and things aren’t right, we hate it and deal with it.  Before, we just let it fly.  We allowed ourselves to hold on to our contempt for each other and it built into a lot of animosity.   The tensions that once consumed us are now short lived.

We still do not have the perfect marriage.  I saw a book on marriage today at the library.  The cover bragged about strategies to divorce proof your marriage.  I couldn’t put that book down fast enough.  There may be strategies out there that are helpful but trying in our own might is not the answer.  The love and intimacy that we have together now is a gift from God, not a result of my attempts or strategies. It’s not because of hard work or deep romanticism.  Even now, after all we’ve been through and the way God has brought us together, there are issues that come up that are hard.  There will be more times in the future when the waters will rise again. 

It’s natural to want the perfect marriage.  Especially in the “church” world.  The message is how important it is to have a strong marriage, but not very many people talk about how difficult it is.  Or why marriage is even so important.  So couples run around spending time doing all sort of enriching things like date nights, weekends away, marriage retreats and reading books about “strategy” to get this good marriage everyone says they should have. 

And trust me, those things are good and important.  We have found that carving out time alone together, even if it’s just for an evening or afternoon, is crucial for keeping us connected.  We are back to playing a game we used to play when we were first married:  Hide the Ewok.  We have a little toy Ewok that we leave where we know the other person will find it.  I find it in my purse, my flour container and my make up basket.  It’s fun and it is romantic to know he’s thinking of me.  But it cannot save our marriage.  We can build safeguards and have standards but ultimately it will never be perfect because we are not perfect people. 

“The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: "The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that's the real life." Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: "The one who does these things [rule-keeping] continues to live by them."  Galatians 3:11-12, The Message

What we need is not a perfect or good marriage, it’s a redeemed marriage.  A relationship that has been touched by the grace and forgiveness of Christ.  Here’s a description from the Dictionary of Basic Bible Truths,

“The Greek word [for redemption] focuses attention on a release won by a payment made.  The New Testament makes it clear that Jesus’ life was the price of our redemption from sin’s bondage.”  Dictionary of  Basic Bible Truths by Larry Richards, Page 303

Redemption is a mark of hope.  Jesus has released us from our hopeless state of sin.  It’s hope that with Christ your marriage can overcome the toughest storms.  With Christ, your levy will hold when the waters rise.  And you can be sure, they will rise. 

That is the most important thing God has taught me.  We are not aiming for perfection, we are blessed with redemption. 

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
       for with the LORD is unfailing love
       and with him is full redemption. Psalm 130:7

A Long Time Coming, Part Two

A year ago I don’t think I possibly could have understood why anyone would call a long period of discouragement good.  Good is happy, right?  But now I know that good is God.  Period. I think some of my best times have been through the tough times when God was all I had.

Because I have Jesus, my circumstances don’t dictate my attitude.  He’s teaching me that I can find contentment in anything He brings or allows into my life.  Can it be painful and yucky?  Of course.  We are promised there are going to be hard times.  I’m reading a lot about Paul these days.  At the end of his life he faced shipwreck and imprisonment and ultimately death for the gospel.  Those are the times he wrote so many letters in the New Testament that are a constant source of encouragement to believers.  He writes about contentment in Philippians:

I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles. Philippians 4:10-14 (The Message)

And as my wonderful Pastor said last week, God is still winning.  Nothing is out of His plan.  Even when it seems to us like he must have lost control for a while.  Everything is planned for his purposes. 

So, in my weakness I eventually turned to God.  And those weeks in January were some of the best, most tender spiritual times I’ve had in my life.  Giving the crushing weight over to Christ and confessing that I can’t handle it on my own was the most victorious day.  I think a big part of my problem was that I was trying to do everything on my own.  I wanted to be a great wife, a terrific mother, a part of our church, a friend, an encourager on my own and in my own strength.  What I actually needed was to rest in Christ’s strength and the power of the Holy Spirit.

For example, I always want to reach out when someone is hurting.  Normally, I would try to bring them a meal or send them a card.  Thos things are great but not when it’s me feeling like I have to run to the rescue.  It’s only ministry when I’m just letting God’s love and grace flow through me.

Or as a Mom I feel like I should constantly be doing things to be good.  I should be doing projects, making terrific meals or going places.  That’s me trying to mother in my own strength.  Sometimes a morning snuggle on the couch or having hot dogs for supper are the moments that God helps me remember that it’s not about what I do.  

God has brought me a long way.  I know there are still going to be struggles along the way.  Here are some things I’m doing and not doing on the depression front:

I am feeling good, in fact I have been feeling great the last few months.  Partially because I really believe that God can and has healed the hurting places in my heart. When I was struggling the most, I used that as an excuse to allow myself to run away from God and others.  I thought things that I should not have.  Depression is serious, but it is not an excuse to sin or shut down.  I think I used it that way. 

I am exercising.  Shocking!  Right now one of the things that is really helping me is a jogging date with a friend.  We meet at 6:05 a.m. three days a week and jog together.  I get an hour of great conversation, breathless but great.  For me, my mood is a way better motivation than losing weight, although I wouldn’t complain if that was a side effect.   And getting up that early helps me stay on a normal sleep pattern.  All of which from what I’ve read are important in dealing with depression. 

I am not taking medication, although I know it may be necessary at some point.  I think from what I’ve read that it wouldn’t help me right now.  I needed to deal with the spiritual symptoms in my life. 

I am experiencing open doors of ministry.  I understand better how to show compassion to people who are hurting.  I know what it’s like to need encouragement and am better equipped to give it.

I am at peace.  When I have those waves of exhaustion or sadness, I don’t hate it.  I don’t hate feeling weak. I love running right to Christ and letting His strength and peace wash over me.  I know there is some purpose behind what I’m going through.

And mostly, I’m thankful.  Very, very thankful that God allowed this to come into my life.  The things he has shown me are things He knew I needed.   I know what it’s like to hurt and how to comfort others.  He’s taught me about compassion.  He’s taught me that His promises are true.  He will never leave me.  I could not have gotten here without walking a less than fun road.  The place I’m in is good, because it’s where God wants me.  I don’t want to be anywhere else.

Umm, that seems like a lot.  But guess what?  There’s more. 

 

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – the message.

A Long Time Coming, Part One

Over the past few months I haven’t been writing very much.  Some things have come up in my life that have put blogging on the backburner.  I’ve alluded to all this and really didn’t mean to leave you hanging. There were a few things that needed to fall into place before I could write about it here, but I’ve been looking forward to it because even though not that many people read this, it’s really important to me.  It’s how I process what’s going on and what God is doing in my life.

I am going to do this in parts because I don’t think anyone wants to sit there and read my life story for four hours.  I have no idea how many parts there will be.  You know how I am with numbers.

It’s not a surprise that weakness and vulnerability are not celebrated characteristics in our society.  They aren’t even really acceptable within the “church” world.  I grew up going to church all. the. time.  And I’m glad I did.  Really.  I have great memories of time spent with my church family.  But growing up in a church that is way bigger than the town I currently live in doesn’t offer a lot of opportunities to be vulnerable.  You have to be a professional singer to be on the worship team, the bulletins are slick and perfect, there are a ton of people that look really put together all around you.

The problem is that it’s just as easy to be fake in a small church.  I proved that this fall, but there are some really important things God has taught me about weakness and vulnerability. The truth is I have never wanted to show any weakness because I’m totally not.

I don’t really know when I began to struggle.  Sometime last summer I guess.  I was tired and overwhelmed with life, parenting and ministry.  There were basic simple things that I could not accomplish like laundry or getting birthday presents in the mail.  I put on a good facade for everyone, including myself.  There were some good days and weeks but the overall direction was down. 

One morning in January I woke up and felt like I could not move.  It scared me enough that I dragged myself to the doctor.  My doctor was on maternity leave so I had to see an older man that was filling in.  I was less than thrilled with that but it turned out to be good.  We did a strep test and it was negative.  But instead of dismissing me with the normal call back if it gets worse, the doctor kept digging.  He finally asked, “Could you be depressed?”

At first I was shocked and my gut response was to burst into tears but I didn’t.  I just casually said maybe.  As I was driving home I realized he was right.  I don’t know if I could have been diagnosed as officially or clinically depressed.  Maybe I was just severely discouraged or disheartened.  I just didn’t realize it until he said it. 

On top of feeling overwhelmed, I felt extremely guilty.  I didn’t have it that bad.  I have a healthy family, food, shelter, transportation and plenty of other stuff.  There are people who’s children are dying of cancer or have lost their houses in a flood and they are plugging right long while I was sitting in my pajamas in the basement. 

I didn’t want to feel that way.  I kept thinking I should be able to snap out of it but I couldn’t.  The guilt only makes it worse.  Hiding it only makes you feel more alone.  Pretending you are fine makes you feel like a fake.  It quickly becomes a vicious cycle. 

It took its toll on all areas of my life. I really had no idea where to go from there.  But just having it out there was like a huge weight off my shoulders.  So, I was depressed or severely discouraged.  I’ve been reading a lot of information of depression and women.  If you are a woman, you are way more likely to be depressed.  The more kids you have, the more likely you’ll face it.  If your symptoms last more than 2 weeks, it’s not just a funk.  That is my unscientific summary.

Where does that leave me?  I don’t know the prognosis from a medical stand point, but spiritually it actually leaves me in a good place.  When Paul is struggling with a “thorn in the flesh”, he asks the Lord to take it away.  This is what he wrote the response was:

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:8-10

How crazy is that?  Because I am weak, helpless and vulnerable, God can demonstrate His strength.  And He has. 

I had to slow down, re-examine some things, and trust God in a whole new way.  So I can’t say it was bad.  Hard?  Yes.  Painful?  Yes.  But bad?  No.

Grandparent’s Day

The kids had Grandparent’s Day at school on Friday. It’s always a special day.   They invited a substitute Grandpa to come hear them sing.  They were thrilled he came. 

I may have mentioned one or one hundred times that I have super grandparents. The best, really.  I mean how many people that are in their 90’s can get in and out of the back of a VW beetle with ease?

 

 

Or can trash talk while bowling on Wii?

Or play with the vigor of someone half their age?

 

Who has Grandparents who prefer the joy of children to peace and quiet?

And always keep their candy dish fully stocked.

Tomorrow my Grandpa is having surgery on a tumor in his eye.  So for me, it’s Grandparent’s Day. 

 

Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder…

why I got up to go jogging at 6 a.m.? I hate mornings and jogging. And then I remember it’s because my drill sargeant friend will pound down my door if I stand her up!

what got me all hyped up – runner’s high or coffee? Ha! It’s the coffee. Runner’s high – yeah right!

why I think such deep thoughts when I am in the produce aisle alone?

why I feel smug and superior when someone else’s kids has a fit at the store? I know full well mine would too if I hadn’t been smart enough to leave them at home.

why I am so proud that I bought sugar free coffee creamer when I always pour a bunch of sugar in a mug and then top it off with coffee and sugar free creamer?

why I feel so proud and happy when I clip coupons and save over $50 at the grocery store? And why if it’s so satisfying don’t I do it more often?

why I am no longer embarrassed to have to push two carts out of the grocery store?

why I have a full size van, full size family and full size grocery bill but yet choose to take the little car to the grocery store? And upon getting to the car with two carts of groceries find the trunk is full of tools?

why I let my husband talk me into helping an older couple in church with a “small” project involving moving a trailer full of patio stones? After I jogged four miles?

if I will be able to move in the morning?

why lifting heavy things and having a bathroom nearby go hand in hand?

why I love texting when talking on the phone is obviously one of my natural talents?

why it seems more difficult to take one son shopping than three daughters lately?

why I cook a big meal so we don’t have to eat out while shopping and when I offer to buy a snack he chooses a Subway sandwich meal? As a midnight snack?

why I only buy asparagus and ice cream sandwiches when there are coupons?

how I got into the mall last night when after 8:00 p.m. is obviously an exclusive shopping time for the 15-21 year old age group?

why I feel like I am crawling with wood ticks when someone only mentions them?

why do I love Wild Cherry Pepsi but not Diet Pepsi or Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi?

why am I still up?

(I wrote this last night but was too tired to type it)