Over the past few months I haven’t been writing very much. Some things have come up in my life that have put blogging on the backburner. I’ve alluded to all this and really didn’t mean to leave you hanging. There were a few things that needed to fall into place before I could write about it here, but I’ve been looking forward to it because even though not that many people read this, it’s really important to me. It’s how I process what’s going on and what God is doing in my life.
I am going to do this in parts because I don’t think anyone wants to sit there and read my life story for four hours. I have no idea how many parts there will be. You know how I am with numbers.
It’s not a surprise that weakness and vulnerability are not celebrated characteristics in our society. They aren’t even really acceptable within the “church” world. I grew up going to church all. the. time. And I’m glad I did. Really. I have great memories of time spent with my church family. But growing up in a church that is way bigger than the town I currently live in doesn’t offer a lot of opportunities to be vulnerable. You have to be a professional singer to be on the worship team, the bulletins are slick and perfect, there are a ton of people that look really put together all around you.
The problem is that it’s just as easy to be fake in a small church. I proved that this fall, but there are some really important things God has taught me about weakness and vulnerability. The truth is I have never wanted to show any weakness because I’m totally not.
I don’t really know when I began to struggle. Sometime last summer I guess. I was tired and overwhelmed with life, parenting and ministry. There were basic simple things that I could not accomplish like laundry or getting birthday presents in the mail. I put on a good facade for everyone, including myself. There were some good days and weeks but the overall direction was down.
One morning in January I woke up and felt like I could not move. It scared me enough that I dragged myself to the doctor. My doctor was on maternity leave so I had to see an older man that was filling in. I was less than thrilled with that but it turned out to be good. We did a strep test and it was negative. But instead of dismissing me with the normal call back if it gets worse, the doctor kept digging. He finally asked, “Could you be depressed?”
At first I was shocked and my gut response was to burst into tears but I didn’t. I just casually said maybe. As I was driving home I realized he was right. I don’t know if I could have been diagnosed as officially or clinically depressed. Maybe I was just severely discouraged or disheartened. I just didn’t realize it until he said it.
On top of feeling overwhelmed, I felt extremely guilty. I didn’t have it that bad. I have a healthy family, food, shelter, transportation and plenty of other stuff. There are people who’s children are dying of cancer or have lost their houses in a flood and they are plugging right long while I was sitting in my pajamas in the basement.
I didn’t want to feel that way. I kept thinking I should be able to snap out of it but I couldn’t. The guilt only makes it worse. Hiding it only makes you feel more alone. Pretending you are fine makes you feel like a fake. It quickly becomes a vicious cycle.
It took its toll on all areas of my life. I really had no idea where to go from there. But just having it out there was like a huge weight off my shoulders. So, I was depressed or severely discouraged. I’ve been reading a lot of information of depression and women. If you are a woman, you are way more likely to be depressed. The more kids you have, the more likely you’ll face it. If your symptoms last more than 2 weeks, it’s not just a funk. That is my unscientific summary.
Where does that leave me? I don’t know the prognosis from a medical stand point, but spiritually it actually leaves me in a good place. When Paul is struggling with a “thorn in the flesh”, he asks the Lord to take it away. This is what he wrote the response was:
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
How crazy is that? Because I am weak, helpless and vulnerable, God can demonstrate His strength. And He has.
I had to slow down, re-examine some things, and trust God in a whole new way. So I can’t say it was bad. Hard? Yes. Painful? Yes. But bad? No.
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