Friday, January 07, 2011

Not Who I Am

Living life as a wife and mother is not really how I envisioned my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my family.  Sometimes though, I wonder if I’m missing out.  On something different.  Something bigger. 

Being a wife and mother takes selflessness.  That’s something that does not come naturally to me.  I feel like everyone around me should be working hard or doing what it takes for me to succeed or grow, not the other way around.

But there’s no way around it, everyone’s needs are more important than mine right now.  They have to be.  And sometimes I’m not very happy about that.  Yesterday as I was cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, trying in vain to fix things, managing kids and chasing dogs I got crabby.  I hadn’t left the house in two days.  I was coming in the back door and started to cry a little. 

I was mad that my husband and kids are turning me into someone I’m not.  I don’t like living in the country or going to bed early to be with my husband or making supper or being the one that has to get up to get that next glass of milk.  That is not me.  I pouted about it for the rest of the night. 

This morning a still small voice prodded at me.  I was still pouting a little.  The thing that struck me was maybe who I think I am is not who God wants me to be.  Maybe in this whole process God is growing me into the person I should be, not the pouty, selfish woman I am. 

The woman I should be?  I think she’s the one who willingly gets up to attend to the crying at night.  The one who lets her own needs take a backseat in order to see her family succeed.  The one who cancels her plans when someone gets sick.  The one who checks backpacks and makes lunches.  The one who serves and gives until it hurts. The one who does like living in the country with dogs and kids and chaos.

Imagine my surprise when through being humbled and growing less selfish I  find myself right where God wants me; sitting at the pinnacle of success in His eyes.  Thrilled to be a part of supporting and cheering for my husband, children and friends.  Wanting God’s absolute best for them no matter what it costs me. 

I’m hardly selfless.  Definitely struggle with humility.  Border on laziness.  But God is redeeming all that through my family.  It’s not a burden, it’s a blessing.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:4-6


Pixel Perfect said...

Great post and I can relate on so many levels. Thank you for sharing.


Robin McKay said...

This is also SO me! I was going to have 1 or 2 kiddos and a career. Here I am with 6 and homeschooling?! How did that happen? God! And, like you, He's the only one that can daily work with this selfish flesh to give me better than I even know I can have it!

Great post--found you through Pixel Perfect on her twitter. :)

3 Dudes and a Diva said...

Great post! I write a similar, though not as well written post this week myself. I can relate to this so much, having five kids of my own, sometimes you have to remind yourself that mothering is Gods greatest work!! Thanks for sharing.