Secret Keeper

Being able to keep a secret is a good quality in a friend. There are those friends you can tell your crazy life story to or your deepest, darkest secrets and know that you are safe. I have some friends like that and cannot tell you how thankful I am.

There are times, though, when keeping secrets is not a good thing. It seems I am a pretty good secret keeper with my own heart. I'm in the process of learning that there are parts of my life and heart that I have not been willing to give to my husband. There are things I am too embarrassed to tell him, things I don't want to share, things I just want to keep for myself.

I have tried to cling to the fact that I deserve some personal space. Do I get nothing to myself? Can I not just hold on to these few things? Are some places too deep and emotional for me to share?

God is helping me open up in a whole new way in my marriage. I am enjoying the intimacy of the vulnerability of sharing everything. It's not stifling like I thought it would be. Vulnerability has helped me unlock places in my heart and share them with him. It makes me eager for time alone with him. I get excited for the kids' bedtime not just for peace. Not just for the chance to do my own thing. But because it's just the two of us. Why did I think my way would be better?

I have known that marriage is a reflection of God's love for his church. I've read it, I've heard it, I've said it. The amazing thing is that as God deepens our marriage, He doubles it up by deepening my relationship with Him. And guess what? There are areas of my life and heart that I have not been willing to give to God either. I foolishly try to hide things from the all-knowing God.

Pouring out and giving over all those parts of my heart is opening the door to a new level of intimacy with Him. He longs to have me give every part of my life and heart to him. He welcomes even the bad parts. He loves us. In that place of love, I have found out how much I love Him. I don't just love the things he can offer me, but I love who He is.

I need to allow my heart to be cracked open and poured out. I want my hurts and fears to be heard and comforted. Vulnerability shouldn't be something I run away from in my marriage or my walk with God. Keeping things to myself is not a statement of independence, it's a statement of ignorance.

So it turns out there are times I shouldn't be a secret keeper.

Psalm 86:11-13
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.