Friday, February 13, 2009

Mommy Moments

The last weeks have been a little difficult. Mommy moments too numerous to write about.

I started writing this over Christmas break: We were going a little stir crazy and I needed a few things at the store. I was making soup for a wedding which I was so happy to do because I absolutely adore the bride. We went to a few stores and the kids were getting cranky. I had one more thing to get that took a trip to yet another store. When we got inside the kids realized there were donut holes on the coffee table. Jenna got so excited she broke a display table and Abby knocked over the whole jar of liquid creamer on the coffee table. I told the lady at the customer service counter and apologized profusely. In my defense I spend half my monthly income at their store. So we quickly headed for the item we needed. Maren wouldn't sit in the cart, she was screaming and running away. I'm sure that I looked like a person that should NOT have had 5 kids. By the end I was just yelling commands at them like "No" or "Now".

All I could think about was what it would be like when I could just run into the store to get one thing by myself. And a quick trip could really be quick not a half day excursion.

Since then there have been many more store temper tantrums, the ceremonial dumping out of all the shampoo and soap in both bathrooms all over the carpet, poopy diapers taken off, I'm not sure how many gallons of spilled milk, fighting, hair-pulling, stubborness, throwing food on the floor, dumping out the garbage, falling down the stairs, sickness, school activities and the winner: a bottle of nail polish that shattered and spilled when hurled across the bathroom.

There have of course, been sweet moments of cuddling, laughing and playing too. And I know, I know that they are only ours for a short time and I should relish and treasure every minute, but by the time bedtime rolls around I am usually so strung out and frustrated that I want to curl up in fetal position in a dark room for a while.

How on earth in the midst of all this am I supposed to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus? I mean, really, it is so chaotic dealing with just the basic functions of life I hardly have the time or energy to meditate on the Bible or spend time in prayer. I'm just barely holding on some days.

The truth is I don't have the answer. I know I need to be more disciplined. As tired and busy as I am, I still find time to get on Facebook several times a day and watch Lost. Watching TV and being on the internet don't take much physical spritual or emotional energy and that feels good when you are numb from a trying day.

But it seems there are bigger problems than my obvious lack of discipline. Is my sinful and rebellious heart just using mommyhood as an excuse to stay away from God? Am I being attacked to keep my focus off Christ and keep my mothering stressful and unhappy instead of God-glorifying? And what is the faith of a mother with a young children supposed to look like?

In the life of David, there were many times where he was hard-pressed, stressed, literally running for his life and yet, he cried out to God in worship and prayer. When Paul was being persecuted he counted it joy and used it to further the gospel. There are people right now giving their lives for Christ and enduring unbelievable trials.

Usually I feel like a loser when I think about the trials others have faced and continued to rely on God. Certainly I have it easier than that. Could it be that God is using the very trials of motherhood to push me on to a deeper relationship with Him? How would things change if I choose to embrace the daily demands of my life as a vehicle to drive me closer to Him?

I don't know the answers to those questions but I want to. I'll let you know what I discover along the way. What have you discovered? Please share!

Psalm 13 (ESV)
How long, O Lord?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
lightr up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in yoru steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

1 comment:

Valorie said...

Thank you so much, Michelle. This is something I needed to read. Although I don't have five kids, I can totally relate. I too feel like that when the kids are finally in bed.