Wednesday, October 15, 2008

More Trials

I'm going to post something that my friend Jenn Johnson wrote on her Caring Bridge site. Her 9 year old son has Epilepsy and a host of other health and behavioral concerns. I was very moved and appreciative of her honesty and insight on her last update and she gave me permission to share it. I'm feeling pretty sappy tonight, Love to you all!

Hello Friends and Family,
This is Jenn. Sorry it’s been a while since we’ve updated. We sort of left things on a discouraging note. To be honest… not much has changed. I have been struggling lately and didn’t feel that excited to update you all. A feeling of hopelessness overcame me for a while to the point that when someone would tell me that they were praying for Caleb or our family, etc. part of me would think, “Well, why bother?” Why bother. Caleb is still struggling with seizures. Doctors don’t have the answers. We now have to visit a cardiologist to learn about a new condition. Our family can barely spend time together because Caleb can’t function in the same room with his siblings for more than 10 minutes without causing major problems. It’s hard to have friends over because of Caleb. Joel and I feel trapped - it’s hard to leave Caleb with anyone. Homeschooling Caleb is going fine, but it makes me more aware of Caleb’s cognitive deficits. Our other three kids still have to come second to all the attention we have to spend on Caleb. Some of our dear friends and neighbors who are a huge support to us are moving to Oklahoma this week. We will miss them dearly. We don’t understand why Joel’s dad has to go through this battle with cancer. Why bother to pray about it all because nothing seems to change and in fact some new sad things have come along to rock our world even more?

So like I said this is where I was at. No huge event happened that brought me out of that sad state, but slowly, lovingly God whispered His truth to me. The first truth I clung to was that David, Job, and many other people in the Bible wrestled, struggled, and questioned God at times and God was okay with that. The second truth was that God does want us to come to Him, talk to Him, and give Him our burdens. He will give rest. So I became okay with other people praying for us, but I was still not sure that God should be trusted. Finally a whisper kept telling me that I was believing a lie. What lie? I think the core lie was that God is not trustworthy. How can I trust a God that isn’t taking better care of me and my family? I felt like I can clearly see what needs to be healed so why doesn’t God do that? Why doesn’t God do what I want? After thinking some about who else there is to trust with things of life like myself, other religions, or other people I came back to the fact that deep in my soul I do believe that God created the world, the sun, moon, and stars. He is in control and He does care. The God of the universe has precious thoughts about me - more than the grains of sand - not just the sand in my sandbox or the sand on one beach but the sand in the whole world. Precious thoughts - not cruel or judgmental thoughts. He created me and He knows my name. The God who created the universe and is infinite compared to my finite life can and should be trusted to step with me each and every step of my journey.

God may never choose in His infinite wisdom to reveal to me the reasons that He allowed certain pain and hurt in my life. Like the man in the Bible who said, “Lord I believe. Help me with my unbelief.” (paraphrased) I feel like saying to God, “Lord I trust you. Help me trust you more.”

Thanks again to all of you for praying and walking through this journey with us. We are always amazed at how many of you still check in on us and keep up with our updates.

Before I wrap this update up let me share that Caleb has an appointment on October 20th in Madison to see the cardiologist. We have been in a holding pattern with all meds until we can see him and get more information on the arrhythmia. As always… we’ll keep you posted. God Bless.
Jenn (and Joel)

No comments: