Sad Does Not Equal Mad

I was reading some Bible verses studying another topic the other day and I came across this. 

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”   Ephesians 4:31-32

It convicted me because I am the bitterness queen.  And I can be pretty malicious and angry.  Those attitudes have done a lot of damage in my life.  A lot.  They are relationship killers.  I didn’t even realize how much bitterness had built up in my marriage over the years and how much that impacted the way I treated my husband and the way I related (or did not relate) to God.  But it’s true. 

So I wondered how I could really live that verse.  Is it possible to get rid of those ugly attitudes?  It doesn’t seem like it.  Those words describe the way of the world we live in pretty well.  What if I were only kind, compassionate and forgiving?  Well,  I’d never make it. 

Our son was obsessed with Star Wars when he was little.  He would run around saying, “spaceships” which meant star wars please!  I haven’t had to watch Star Wars recently but I do remember this:

Fear leads to anger…

 

Who can argue with the wise Yoda?  Feelings can create a domino effect.  Women live with a lot of fear.  Fear that they won’t be good enough, loved, valued.  And fear leads to hurt, guilt and shame.  For a long time, I was confused.  I took my hurt and turned it into anger.  I took my sad and confused it for mad.  All of a sudden I was lashing out and angry and I wondered where on earth that came from.

It could be because anger is an easier emotion to deal with than sad and hurt.  I am in control with anger but hurt?  It’s just too hard.  So I get mad to push back.  And hold on to some control.  I let bitterness take over to protect myself. 

The problem is that hurt and sadness cannot be avoided.  And there are things in this life we cannot control.  This year as I’ve gone through times of hurt and sadness, I am learning to stop myself and think about what I really feel.  Am I really mad?  Or does it just hurt more than I want to admit.

When I let anger take over, it only makes things worse.  I alienate myself from others.  I become self-righteous and hard-hearted. 

When I let myself be sad and hurt, it is easier to stay tender and reach out for help.  It’s a humbling place to be.  But humility is exactly where we meet Jesus Christ.  It’s okay to be hurt.  It’s okay to be sad.    It’s okay to be afraid.  We can take those things to the Savior and be loved and protected and blessed instead.

It took me thirty some years and some hard times to start to figure this out.  I desperately want to help my kids figure this stuff out sooner rather than later.   I don’t want our family to teach them that we pretend everything is ok when it’s not.  Or that it isn’t okay to be sad or hurt.  And when they are hurt or sad or disappointed that doesn’t mean they smack their sibling or trash their room. 

When we deal with our emotions, disappointments, hurt and sadness in the right way, it keeps us from becoming angry and bitter.  That will ultimately put up walls between us and God. 

So we truly can do what Ephesians 4:31 says.  Get rid of the anger and malice and bitterness.  There is no way to be loving to others and pleasing to God with that in our hearts.  And the times I feel bitter and angry, I can take those straight to the cross.  Jesus died for our pain and suffering.  By His wounds we are healed.  We don’t need to stay locked in the hurt and sadness we have. 

When I allow myself to feel hurt and to turn Christ for help and healing I am taking a step closer to Him.   Not only am I looking for hope in the right place, but I am keeping my heart from anger and bitterness and trading it in for kindness, compassion and forgiveness.  Which is a wonderful place to be.

Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:4-5

Summer Learning

I want to teach my kids a lot of things.  I just realized that summer is half over and we’ve done very little book stuff.  I’m hopelessly disorganized and enjoy going to the beach way too much.

I hate to brag, however there is one area where I am clearly succeeding in my quest for learning.

They have great appreciation for ice cream. 

And MnM’s.  And cookie dough.

I can’t help but feel proud.  Just don’t leave them laying around. 

They’ve fine tuned the art of blizzard eating.  If it melts, just guzzle it.

Spoons are optional.

Don’t waste a drop!

Summer learning at its best.

Tough Days

Blankie washing days are tough around here.

Even on a sunny day it takes too long.

So long that they must take matters into their own hands.

Good thing we don’t wash them too often!

Celebrate the Small Stuff

I love special events. Events we go to and everyone is bathed and dressed nice. Or at least nicer than normal. Which doesn’t take much.

Last weekend my cousin got married. We made of weekend of it with my parents and my sister’s family. Maren was one of the flower girls. It was a big day. Lots of fun. Lots of friends and relatives I don’t see very often. I love big days.

But the big, special days are few and far between. If I only live for the big stuff, the every day will get pretty boring. I will become pretty cranky.

As I get older and further along in my parenting I am realizing that I love the small stuff too. There are so many more of those every day moments that are precious; walking back from the fireworks carrying little people in pajamas who have their arms wrapped around my neck, getting sunburned at the fourth of July parade every year, floating down the lazy river with a preschooler on my lap and her arms around my neck, being the one they cry for when they have a nightmare, helping mend scraped knees and stop bloody noses, being there when they have bad days and good days, and when my nursing babies stopped crying the minute they heard my voice. That’s the good stuff.

I watched my aunt and cousin get teary as they started taking pictures at the wedding and it made me realize that the small stuff gives texture to the big, special stuff. I’m guessing they weren’t teary over just that day, but a lifetime of small stuff that led to it.

If I’m disconnected as a mom in the small things, there won’t be much of a connection in the big things. Sometimes when I am making my twentieth trip up the stairs at a waterpark, I wish I was reading a book or in the room doing my own thing. I don’t always want to be engaged. It would be nicer to stay home from scorching parades and baseball games. But what could I be doing that would be better than the small stuff?

Hours spent in the backyard, red-neck water park.

Morning cuddles. Now.

And then.

After bath snuggles.

Hot baseball games.

Birthday parties.

Ice cream cones in the backyard.

Celebrating the small stuff everyday is one of the keys to contentment in mothering. You don’t get those moments back. Be there and enjoy them. They give texture and richness to the big stuff. And life.

Stinky

It was a stinky night around here. It’s been raining for four days and one of our dogs got too close to a skunk. I don’t think anything smells worse than skunk except maybe wet skunky dog.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t want a dog. They smell. And living where we do I knew it was only a matter of time.

When we first got our dogs I was super hyper about bathing them and cleaning the kennel every week. I didn’t want my house to smell like dog. But I learned that even a clean, wet dog, still smells like wet dog. So I backed off that a little.

So the skunk tangle set off a domino effect cleaning tonight. It’s VBS week and I’ve been wrangling 25 preschoolers every day so I hadn’t planned on doing much but the bare minimum tonight. Or all week really.

But once we had the Pet Jet out I figured we may as well give both the dogs a bath as long as we already have the mess right?

So the dogs got bathed, kennel got cleaned out, and puppy blankets got washed. While I was cleaning out the kennel I stepped in dog poop. And I was barefoot. So I cleaned up the yard. Then I washed my feet in the tub which was already dirty from dog baths.

Which led to me cleaning the bathroom. Which totally needed to be done anyway. I washed the floor and lit a bunch of candles. I did all the dishes and cleaned the stove top. Even under the burners (are you proud mom?) and the sink.

Now I’m sitting here in my Lysol fresh house with some nice candles burning wondering what’s so bad about a little stink?

I’ve had a lot of stink in my life from time to time. The kind that doesn’t come from living in a house with five kids and two dogs. I mean emotional and spiritual stink. It's only a matter of time. Everyone gets sprayed at some point. The question is what are you going to do about it?

Dealing with the stink is no fun. But God gives us an opportunity for redemption. Why not take the opportunity to clean house? Why not look at it as as a chance to deal with my stuff. Maybe offer a little forgiveness, grow in humility, take out the trash, or clean under the burners of your heart. There is peace in washing away the stink of life.

If I just wallow in it, everything will stink pretty soon. So let the dominoes fall to redemption. Use the stink for good. Maybe I’ll clean up a few more things in my heart while I’m already down there scrubbing.

In the end when I have a clean slate and a heart that’s right with God, I’m kind of thankful for the stink. And for candles. And Lysol. And God’s grace and forgiveness. There’s no peace without that.