Wasted Gifts

It’s been a while since I’ve written again!  I have been super busy doing “important” things like playing with the kids, cuddling with my husband, making messy crafts and lots of cookies.  Things that before I didn’t always see the value in.  Well, I’ve always seen the value in cookies.  Things that are now invaluable to me.  So now that I am nursing a sprained ankle from an unsightly running tumble, I finally got to writing.  But there will be more cuddling and playing later.

Our middle child is a thoughtful girl.  She loves making cards for a man in our church, helping with the younger girls and in the kitchen.  She spent a lot of time making this card for Maren, who has been nicknamed “wildfire”. 

Seriously, do you know how special bubble letters are to an 8 year old?

Maren, living up to her nickname, didn’t give it a second look and threw it aside.  Abby was hurt.  She had spent a lot of time on the card and was excited to give it to her.  I wanted to say that she may as well get used to it because this is a cruel world.  Don’t worry, I didn’t. 

I told her about a time that Dad bought me a very special book for Christmas.  He waited for it to come in the mail.  He wrote me a very special poem and put it inside.  On Christmas morning, he was excited for me to open it.  Guess what I did?  I glanced at it, said thanks and stuck in on a shelf.  He was hurt too.  I had no idea the time and thought he put into that gift.

It happens all the time.  Our gifts and talents are disregarded, untreasured or ignored.  We are hurt.  We wonder if it’s worth it.  A lot of times we are too wrapped up in ourselves to think about others.  I remember when we got married and were opening the vast mountains of gifts.  I was put out by the things some people gave us.  Seriously, was I that big of a selfish brat?  (umm, yes!)  People that sacrificed their time and money to come to our wedding and give us a gift?  They could have spent their Saturday doing a lot of other things.  They could have spent their money on something they wanted or needed.

There’s no way to avoid having your gifts overlooked.  The world is moving too fast to care.  Everyone is too busy to think of someone else. 

The time and energy I put into being a mom and wife is the biggest one I can think of.  Sadly, very few people value that or feel valued for it.  Whether you stay home with your kids or come home from a long day at work and put aside your needs for the needs of your family, it’s easy to wonder if it’s worth it.

I think of my kids and their talents.  There are things that they do that will never win them any blue ribbons or scholarships but are not wasted. 

As much as I want to feel valued for my contributions, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll probably never be named Alumni of the Year from the college I went to for being a mother that makes yummy cookies.  My husband may never headline a large Christian conference as pastor of…what church?  Oh yeah, the one no one has ever heard of.

But God has a different perspective.  He says,

“He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me.  Any one who receives a prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and anyone who receives a righteous man because he is a righteous man will receive a righteous man’s reward.  And if anyone gives eve a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward.”  Matthew 10:40-42

Sometimes, people wonder if I’m wasting my life.  When am I going to DO something with my life?  I wonder it too.  Sometimes people wonder if it’s worth serving a small church.  There are bigger ones out there and the pay is probably better.  Let me tell you a story.  There is a couple serving a small church near us.  The church does not have a big membership.  It’s kind of out in the boonies actually.  But this Pastor and his wife are a beacon for Jesus right there where God has them.  They are talented and dynamic.  They could probably search out a bigger ministry somewhere.  But when Mike and I were struggling through our issues this winter, we called them.  They continued to pursue us, pray for us, meet with us, encourage us.  They met a huge need in our life and very few people will ever know that.  So are they wasting their life serving in a small church?  Not to me they’re not.  I’m a life touched by the gifts God has given them.  

There is someone who sees our gifts and does not ignore them.  He sees all our acts of giving and love.  He values all the talents He’s given.  He values giving in ways that may not be noticed by many because that’s when we are giving from the heart. 

Jesus teaches about doing things not for recognition but for Him in Matthew. 

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them.  If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.  So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men.  I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.  But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.  They your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”  Matthew 6:1-4

What are you doing that seems insignificant and ignored?  Whatever you do, do it for God.  Parent for the glory of Jesus.  Help an elderly friend move stuff out of their garage for the joy of the Lord.  When you are recognized, give the praise to God.  He’ll never disappoint you.  Even if no one else cares or notices, He does.  And in the end, does anyone else really matter?

A Long Time Coming, Part Four

The process of sharing all that has been going on in our lives with our friends has been tough and wonderful.  It’s just blown me away to see the beauty of the body of Christ.  The people we know have been vessels of God’s grace and love to us in ways we never could have imagined.

I was having an email conversation with one of my college roommates and she told me how refreshing and encouraging authenticity is, the willingness to be real with your stuff.   She shared about something she had been struggling with for a long time and finally started telling people.  She noticed that not only was it was freeing to not have a secret, but it was encouraging to get support. 

What a huge revelation that is.  Fear and shame keep us from opening up about what is going on in our lives. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I had to just do it all right and be perfect then God would bless me.  But once we put it out there it doesn’t have a hold over us.  We don’t have to keep it hidden.  And there is great freedom and healing in that.

When I keep my struggles to myself I am underestimating the power of the Holy Spirit to work in my life.  He can change me.  He is with me.  Through some of the tough times I have faced over the past few months, I have had some of the sweetest times of fellowship with the Lord.  I’ve never needed Him like I do now.  I’ve never clung to His word like I have.  Again, I don’t want to paint a totally rosy picture, but I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

If I try to keep my struggles under wraps, I am also underestimating God’s people.  It’s scary putting my struggles out there because of the possibility of people judging me.   And honestly, some people have.  But by far, most of our Christian friends and family have done nothing but shower God’s love and grace on us.  What a shame to suffer alone when God has given us a network of support full of love, grace and prayers. 

God no doubt uses tough times to make us like Him.  He has shown me so much over these past months.  I finally finished a book on Paul and came upon this gem,

“The celebrated Scottish preacher, James Stewart, made a statement that is also challenging:

‘It is always upon human weakness and humiliation, not human strength and confidence, that God chooses to build His Kingdom; and that He can use us not merely in spite of our ordinariness and helplessness and disqualifying infirmities, but precisely because of them.’

That’s a thrilling discovery to make.  It transforms our mental attitude toward our circumstances.  Let’s pause long enough here to consider this principle in all seriousness.  Your humiliations, your struggles, your battles, your weaknesses, even your so-called “disqualifying” infirmities are precisely what make you effective.  I would go further and say they represent the stuff of greatness.  Once you are convinced of your own weakness and no longer trying to hide it, you embrace the power of Christ.” 

Paul, Charles Swindoll page 241

Is there a better picture of the gospel than coming forward expecting what you deserve; punishment and judgment and instead receiving love and grace?  That is the heart of the gospel.  It’s what Jesus did for us on the cross.  It’s what the church preaches and should practice to those around us.  It’s how we need to live as husbands, wives, parents, and friends.  Think of the impact of all Christians living that way. 

I know the impact in my own life.  Our church and the mission organization we work for whole heartedly exemplified the gospel to us.  They loved and cared for us in difficult times. When we expected judgment, they offered grace.  I have never experienced that kind of gospel.  It’s totally amazing.  Now it’s my job to give it.  I don’t want to expect perfection from people (husband, kids, church people) and punish them when they mess up,  I want to offer grace and forgiveness.   I want everyone to see and experience the beauty of Christ and His church the way He meant it to be.  That’s the gospel.

Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on:  Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners.  I’m proof -  Public Sinner Number One – of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy.  And now he shows me off – evidence of his endless patience – to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever.  Deep honor and bright Glory to the King of All Time – one God, Immortal, Invisible, ever and always.   Oh, yes!  1 Timothy 1:15-17, The Message

A Long Time Coming, Part Three

I have relatives that live in the Red River Valley so I notice when every spring there is flooding in the areas around Grand Forks and Fargo.  They build huge levees and put out tons of sandbags to stop the water from overrunning the town.  But no matter how many engineers work on it, how high it is or how much money it cost, it’s always unknown if it’s going to hold until the waters begin to rise.

About a week after my telling visit with the doctor, the waters began to rise in our marriage.  Actually they came flooding right through the sandbags. Some issues came to light that were big enough that my husband took a leave of absence from work.  There were some pretty difficult days, but they were also powerful. 

I think in the past I’ve been pretty honest about marriage.  It’s hard work.  Monotonous at times.  But God’s grace was really abundant for us during that time as He brought us together in a much deeper way.  We were able to respond with mutual brokenness and confession.  And we were able to offer each other forgiveness.  Because, if you hadn’t noticed already, there are two people in every marriage.  So even though one person may be solely responsible for certain words or actions, there are two people who have contributed to the “state of the union,” so to speak.  That part came easily for us.  I can look back and see God preparing us and beginning the process of healing before we even realized it.  I have never been more overwhelmed by the love I have for my husband than I was that day.  I have never felt that everything pales in comparison to our relationship and being my husband’s wife.

I know it’s not that simple for everyone and don’t want to paint an unrealistic rosy picture.  For lots of people, there are big hurts, unwilling hearts, anger and I don’t want to dismiss any of that.  These last months are some of the toughest I have been through.  But I think one of the best things for us was that neither of us was pointing the finger at each other.  We were both willing to admit our faults and forgive each other.  It’s easy to confuse forgetfulness with forgiveness.  Forgiveness does not make it okay or no big deal.  Forgiveness brings it under the blood of Christ. 

God has blessed us with a great time of healing.  It was honestly very quick and miraculous for us.  I know you may not believe me.  Being the great woman of faith that I am, I probably wouldn’t believe you if you said it either.  The questions I have as to why he can allow healing for my marriage but not for others is perplexing to me.  That’s something that I struggle with and have no answers for.  It’s similar to why He chooses to heal some people and let others die, or let us live in America with everything we want while there are children starving in Africa.  I do know that God is in control.  It’s all part of his sovereignty, His plan. 

That being said, in my mind, there is no other explanation for my life.  I am a selfish person.  Easily annoyed and difficult to live with.  There is no way in my human state I would choose to be loving and gracious instead of mean and vindictive.  My response is nothing less than God working in and changing me. 

We spent some time at a retreat center with a counselor.  We both are saddened that we took for granted what God had given us in each other.  It’s such a relief now that there is peace in our marriage.  Deep peace.  It’s not like we were fighting all the time before but there was a lot of underlying tension. 

We were reading a book called “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas and he has a chapter about having contempt for contempt.  That resonated with me because now when there is tension and things aren’t right, we hate it and deal with it.  Before, we just let it fly.  We allowed ourselves to hold on to our contempt for each other and it built into a lot of animosity.   The tensions that once consumed us are now short lived.

We still do not have the perfect marriage.  I saw a book on marriage today at the library.  The cover bragged about strategies to divorce proof your marriage.  I couldn’t put that book down fast enough.  There may be strategies out there that are helpful but trying in our own might is not the answer.  The love and intimacy that we have together now is a gift from God, not a result of my attempts or strategies. It’s not because of hard work or deep romanticism.  Even now, after all we’ve been through and the way God has brought us together, there are issues that come up that are hard.  There will be more times in the future when the waters will rise again. 

It’s natural to want the perfect marriage.  Especially in the “church” world.  The message is how important it is to have a strong marriage, but not very many people talk about how difficult it is.  Or why marriage is even so important.  So couples run around spending time doing all sort of enriching things like date nights, weekends away, marriage retreats and reading books about “strategy” to get this good marriage everyone says they should have. 

And trust me, those things are good and important.  We have found that carving out time alone together, even if it’s just for an evening or afternoon, is crucial for keeping us connected.  We are back to playing a game we used to play when we were first married:  Hide the Ewok.  We have a little toy Ewok that we leave where we know the other person will find it.  I find it in my purse, my flour container and my make up basket.  It’s fun and it is romantic to know he’s thinking of me.  But it cannot save our marriage.  We can build safeguards and have standards but ultimately it will never be perfect because we are not perfect people. 

“The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: "The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that's the real life." Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: "The one who does these things [rule-keeping] continues to live by them."  Galatians 3:11-12, The Message

What we need is not a perfect or good marriage, it’s a redeemed marriage.  A relationship that has been touched by the grace and forgiveness of Christ.  Here’s a description from the Dictionary of Basic Bible Truths,

“The Greek word [for redemption] focuses attention on a release won by a payment made.  The New Testament makes it clear that Jesus’ life was the price of our redemption from sin’s bondage.”  Dictionary of  Basic Bible Truths by Larry Richards, Page 303

Redemption is a mark of hope.  Jesus has released us from our hopeless state of sin.  It’s hope that with Christ your marriage can overcome the toughest storms.  With Christ, your levy will hold when the waters rise.  And you can be sure, they will rise. 

That is the most important thing God has taught me.  We are not aiming for perfection, we are blessed with redemption. 

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
       for with the LORD is unfailing love
       and with him is full redemption. Psalm 130:7

A Long Time Coming, Part Two

A year ago I don’t think I possibly could have understood why anyone would call a long period of discouragement good.  Good is happy, right?  But now I know that good is God.  Period. I think some of my best times have been through the tough times when God was all I had.

Because I have Jesus, my circumstances don’t dictate my attitude.  He’s teaching me that I can find contentment in anything He brings or allows into my life.  Can it be painful and yucky?  Of course.  We are promised there are going to be hard times.  I’m reading a lot about Paul these days.  At the end of his life he faced shipwreck and imprisonment and ultimately death for the gospel.  Those are the times he wrote so many letters in the New Testament that are a constant source of encouragement to believers.  He writes about contentment in Philippians:

I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles. Philippians 4:10-14 (The Message)

And as my wonderful Pastor said last week, God is still winning.  Nothing is out of His plan.  Even when it seems to us like he must have lost control for a while.  Everything is planned for his purposes. 

So, in my weakness I eventually turned to God.  And those weeks in January were some of the best, most tender spiritual times I’ve had in my life.  Giving the crushing weight over to Christ and confessing that I can’t handle it on my own was the most victorious day.  I think a big part of my problem was that I was trying to do everything on my own.  I wanted to be a great wife, a terrific mother, a part of our church, a friend, an encourager on my own and in my own strength.  What I actually needed was to rest in Christ’s strength and the power of the Holy Spirit.

For example, I always want to reach out when someone is hurting.  Normally, I would try to bring them a meal or send them a card.  Thos things are great but not when it’s me feeling like I have to run to the rescue.  It’s only ministry when I’m just letting God’s love and grace flow through me.

Or as a Mom I feel like I should constantly be doing things to be good.  I should be doing projects, making terrific meals or going places.  That’s me trying to mother in my own strength.  Sometimes a morning snuggle on the couch or having hot dogs for supper are the moments that God helps me remember that it’s not about what I do.  

God has brought me a long way.  I know there are still going to be struggles along the way.  Here are some things I’m doing and not doing on the depression front:

I am feeling good, in fact I have been feeling great the last few months.  Partially because I really believe that God can and has healed the hurting places in my heart. When I was struggling the most, I used that as an excuse to allow myself to run away from God and others.  I thought things that I should not have.  Depression is serious, but it is not an excuse to sin or shut down.  I think I used it that way. 

I am exercising.  Shocking!  Right now one of the things that is really helping me is a jogging date with a friend.  We meet at 6:05 a.m. three days a week and jog together.  I get an hour of great conversation, breathless but great.  For me, my mood is a way better motivation than losing weight, although I wouldn’t complain if that was a side effect.   And getting up that early helps me stay on a normal sleep pattern.  All of which from what I’ve read are important in dealing with depression. 

I am not taking medication, although I know it may be necessary at some point.  I think from what I’ve read that it wouldn’t help me right now.  I needed to deal with the spiritual symptoms in my life. 

I am experiencing open doors of ministry.  I understand better how to show compassion to people who are hurting.  I know what it’s like to need encouragement and am better equipped to give it.

I am at peace.  When I have those waves of exhaustion or sadness, I don’t hate it.  I don’t hate feeling weak. I love running right to Christ and letting His strength and peace wash over me.  I know there is some purpose behind what I’m going through.

And mostly, I’m thankful.  Very, very thankful that God allowed this to come into my life.  The things he has shown me are things He knew I needed.   I know what it’s like to hurt and how to comfort others.  He’s taught me about compassion.  He’s taught me that His promises are true.  He will never leave me.  I could not have gotten here without walking a less than fun road.  The place I’m in is good, because it’s where God wants me.  I don’t want to be anywhere else.

Umm, that seems like a lot.  But guess what?  There’s more. 

 

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – the message.

A Long Time Coming, Part One

Over the past few months I haven’t been writing very much.  Some things have come up in my life that have put blogging on the backburner.  I’ve alluded to all this and really didn’t mean to leave you hanging. There were a few things that needed to fall into place before I could write about it here, but I’ve been looking forward to it because even though not that many people read this, it’s really important to me.  It’s how I process what’s going on and what God is doing in my life.

I am going to do this in parts because I don’t think anyone wants to sit there and read my life story for four hours.  I have no idea how many parts there will be.  You know how I am with numbers.

It’s not a surprise that weakness and vulnerability are not celebrated characteristics in our society.  They aren’t even really acceptable within the “church” world.  I grew up going to church all. the. time.  And I’m glad I did.  Really.  I have great memories of time spent with my church family.  But growing up in a church that is way bigger than the town I currently live in doesn’t offer a lot of opportunities to be vulnerable.  You have to be a professional singer to be on the worship team, the bulletins are slick and perfect, there are a ton of people that look really put together all around you.

The problem is that it’s just as easy to be fake in a small church.  I proved that this fall, but there are some really important things God has taught me about weakness and vulnerability. The truth is I have never wanted to show any weakness because I’m totally not.

I don’t really know when I began to struggle.  Sometime last summer I guess.  I was tired and overwhelmed with life, parenting and ministry.  There were basic simple things that I could not accomplish like laundry or getting birthday presents in the mail.  I put on a good facade for everyone, including myself.  There were some good days and weeks but the overall direction was down. 

One morning in January I woke up and felt like I could not move.  It scared me enough that I dragged myself to the doctor.  My doctor was on maternity leave so I had to see an older man that was filling in.  I was less than thrilled with that but it turned out to be good.  We did a strep test and it was negative.  But instead of dismissing me with the normal call back if it gets worse, the doctor kept digging.  He finally asked, “Could you be depressed?”

At first I was shocked and my gut response was to burst into tears but I didn’t.  I just casually said maybe.  As I was driving home I realized he was right.  I don’t know if I could have been diagnosed as officially or clinically depressed.  Maybe I was just severely discouraged or disheartened.  I just didn’t realize it until he said it. 

On top of feeling overwhelmed, I felt extremely guilty.  I didn’t have it that bad.  I have a healthy family, food, shelter, transportation and plenty of other stuff.  There are people who’s children are dying of cancer or have lost their houses in a flood and they are plugging right long while I was sitting in my pajamas in the basement. 

I didn’t want to feel that way.  I kept thinking I should be able to snap out of it but I couldn’t.  The guilt only makes it worse.  Hiding it only makes you feel more alone.  Pretending you are fine makes you feel like a fake.  It quickly becomes a vicious cycle. 

It took its toll on all areas of my life. I really had no idea where to go from there.  But just having it out there was like a huge weight off my shoulders.  So, I was depressed or severely discouraged.  I’ve been reading a lot of information of depression and women.  If you are a woman, you are way more likely to be depressed.  The more kids you have, the more likely you’ll face it.  If your symptoms last more than 2 weeks, it’s not just a funk.  That is my unscientific summary.

Where does that leave me?  I don’t know the prognosis from a medical stand point, but spiritually it actually leaves me in a good place.  When Paul is struggling with a “thorn in the flesh”, he asks the Lord to take it away.  This is what he wrote the response was:

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:8-10

How crazy is that?  Because I am weak, helpless and vulnerable, God can demonstrate His strength.  And He has. 

I had to slow down, re-examine some things, and trust God in a whole new way.  So I can’t say it was bad.  Hard?  Yes.  Painful?  Yes.  But bad?  No.