Go Deep

We are knee deep in snow now after a good old Minnesota snow storm. But that's not the kind of deep I've been thinking about.

There are those times in life where you just feel ragged, on the edge and as one of my friends deftly described it "raw". A few weeks ago, dealing with a screaming 18 month old all day and night was leaving me ragged. Not enough sleep, too much to do, bills to pay all pile up to make me feel numb.

Then there are the friends going through hard times ( I talked to at least 10 people that were laid off last week alone), ministry stresses and trials. I can wake up in the morning and have a hard time finding the strength to pour a bowl of cereal. I sometimes wonder what the point is. All the time and energy we pour into ministry and people continue to walk away from church and turn their backs on Christ. It seems like I should be able to find a verse in the Bible that says "Put Christ first and life will be easy".

I picked up a book we've had on our shelf for a long time called "Reaching for the Invisible God" by Philip Yancey. It's really feeding that part of me that wonders about faith and if it's worth it. One of the stories he tells is about his pastor when he lived in Chicago named Bill Leslie. He felt like he had reached a place of Spiritual emptiness. He went on a weekend retreat and talked to his spiritual director, a nun.

"He expected her to offer soothing words about what a sacrificial, unselfish person he was, or perhaps recommend a sabbatical. Instead she said, 'Bill there's only one thing to do if your reservoir runs dry. You've got to go deeper.' He returned from that retreat convinced that his faith depended less on his outer journey of life and ministry than on his inner journey toward spiritual depth." (page 73)

Really? My faith might depend less on what I do and more on the journey towards Christ! What a shock. I've always thought I had good faith. That I would dutifully do all that God asks of me and He in turn would make everything good and comfortable.

But as I've found myself running dry at times in my life of faith, the choice is to either give up and stumble through or go deep and seek after God. A few weeks ago as some crises broke out in our ministry I was driven to work on my Bible study. I knew that I was in over my head and that the only way I could get through was to be with Him. And yet it did not make things easy. It's still messy and I still struggled with some things that directly related.

As I raise my children each day, I want to go beyond carting them to things, helping with homework and feeding them food. I want to disciple them so they can learn to go deep. Not that it is going to make everything easy. Actually it will probably mean a more difficult road in a lot of ways. If we truly want to follow Christ, there will be things we won't buy, shows we won't watch and places we won't go. There will be challenges and struggles along the way.

So I'm going to learn to go deeper. I want to know Him more intimately by studying the Bible, praying desperately, and seeking, not what I can do, but what He can and who He is.

2 Corinthians 5:7
We live by faith, not by sight.

Ephesians 6:16
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Hold on . . .

I just found the sheet music for the song "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. I don't really want to talk about why I bought it years ago - it's a long story. Or why I still have it 20 years later! But the lyrics go something like this, "I know that there is pain but you hold on for one more day and you break free from the pain." I think I know why this song was kind of a hit. There is a lot of pain in life and it's natural to want to break free. But what is freedom and what on earth are we supposed to hold on to?

There have only been a handful of times in my life where I felt truly desperate. It's not really the best place to be. When you come to a place of desperation it must mean that things are so bad there doesn't seem to be a way out. It's obvious there is desperation over loss and grief, health problems and financial crisis.

Some painful situations seethe below the surface. They are too painful, humiliating or dangerous to talk about. On the surface things seem fine or even great! Dealing with spiritual temptations and sin are the unseen deal breakers for Christians. And it's a lonely place because you don't really want to stand up in church and ask for prayer for your porn addiction or the feelings you have for someone at work. And it seems that the church doesn't really want you to either. We have such a hear no evil, see no evil mentality that just wants to pat you on the back, say good morning and wish you a good week. The statistics of Christians dealing with pornography and affairs are staggering and we think it's not going on in our churches?

So why does God allow times that are so bad and staggering? I have never prayed more passionately than when I am desperate or someone I know is. I cry and plead for the Lord to be near and change my stinky, sinful heat. I beg for his strength and comfort for someone going through a battery of tests which might result in a cancer diagnosis. Sometimes I just ask why or sit in the presence of Jesus.

There are also times when I just want to walk away from Christ. It seems too hard and he feels so distant.

I've never really considered myself a doubter. I haven't felt the need to read "Evidence that Demands a Verdict". Faith has just always come naturally to me. But sometimes it just isn't that simple. I'm reading a book by Philip Yancey called "Reaching for the Invisible God." It's one of the best books I've read in a long time. Here are a few of his quotes about faith:

"Perhaps that's what faith is: trusting God's goodness despite any apparent evidence against it" (page 69)

"Faith requires obedience without full knowledge" (page 90)

"Faith that does not count for such complexities can not last" (page 93)

"Hope emerges as a result of the struggle" (page 95)

There is so much about God that we don't know and will never know on earth. And a faith that says only "all things work together for good" is not that helpful when your life is in ruins or your heart is completely ripped to shreds. There's more to this faith thing than God is good as long as he makes me happy and gives me what I want. Then I'll love Him.

If we're not desperately clinging to Jesus and holding on for dear life - what kind of faith do we have?

There is a choice to be made in desperate times: cling to Christ or try to stumble through in darkness. If we cling to Christ and pray desperately for Him and His work in our life, then hope will emerge. Those don't seem to be lyrics of a future pop hit, but then again, how long did Wilson Philips last?

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. "

Colossians 2:1-3
¹I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. ²My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

As long as God provides . . .

Several years ago, we started a tradition. We buy Bibles for every couple Mike marries. We even have their name and wedding date engraved on the front. It has been fun over the years to give them. We truly hope and pray that even those who do not follow Christ or even attend church will look to it for answers when they need help. It's probably more than we need to do, but it's something we love to do and want to do.

Someone in our church commented on what a great ministry that was to which I piously replied, "As long as God provides the money, we'll keep doing it." And why wouldn't God provide the cash for such a noble endeavor?

Well, much to my shock and dismay God has not been providing the money. The last few weddings we did we just couldn't swing it. I thought we could use the money that they paid us to get the Bibles after the fact, only they didn't pay us. We still payed for babysitters for the rehearsal and the wedding ceremony.

So why would God not provide money to buy people Bibles? I can see why there might not be the cash for a Hummer or a jacuzzi or a trip to Hawaii - but a Bible?

In the book Reaching for the Invisible God by Philip Yancey, he writes about God's provision.

"Christians often read the Bible in such a way that exaggerates God's promises, setting themselves up for later disillusionment. "Look at the birds of the air," Jesus once said; "they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them . . . .See how the lilies of the field grow. The do not labor or spin." From such verses, readers infer that God will always provide, which then brings about a major crisis of faith when drought and famine arrive.

The lilies of the field may grow without labor, but their growth also depends on the regular systems that produce weather. In years of severe drought, they neither labor nor spin nor survive."

His conclusion is that God's interventions are less like lightning bolts and more like a river.

"His presence sustains all creation at every moment: "in him [Christ] all things hold together," said Paul . His presence also flows into individuals who align themselves with him; God's Spirit, and invisible companion, works from within to wrest good from bad."

It seems like I have been conditioned to believe in my "USA" self-centered theology that God will provide what I think is best. It's not even a vending machine mentality as much as a prideful, of course God would concur attitude.

The thing is that most people in the US have a Bible somewhere. Most people have access to the internet and the library where the text is readily available. And although it's nice to start them off with a momento of their special day it certainly is not the only way they can experience God's grace.

We usually have the couples over to our house for dinner during the premarital sessions. (It can also be a good reminder on the importance of birth control!) They can experience God through their contact with us and our friendship comes for free. We have cases of paperback Bibles at the church office that we keep on hand to give to anyone who needs one.

Maybe I was feeling a little too good about myself and our leather, engraved Bible ministry. God is showing me that whatever the provisions or rations are at the time, the most important thing for me to recognize is that He's THERE. No matter what I have or don't have in wealth or health he's always with me. And I want to be there for him, continuing the work he has for me no matter what the price .

Philippians 4:11-13
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Chri$$$$$$tmas

I went out Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving with my Dad and my sister. She picked us up at 3:45 a.m. I was already awake with a crying kid anyway. I'm not really sure how the news media can report that we are in a recession. The lines were crazy long! People were in line outside, in the cold, in the dark, in Minnesota for hours.

I was kind of enjoying watching it all. I didn't buy anything. I didn't have any money to buy anything. Usually, when I am shopping and I don't have money (which seems to happen a lot) I feel so bummed about all the great stuff that is out there that I can't get. This year, I couldn't find one thing I wanted to buy. Nothing made me feel happy or excited or in the Christmas spirit at all. All I could think about was crazy people trying to buy as much as they could in as little time possible. I'm not sure some people were even looking at what they were dumping in their carts!

I was talking to a friend about the small Christmas budget we seem to have this year. And I realized that I'm not sad about it. I haven't spent one minute shopping (except for black Friday) or fretting about what to get people. I haven't been stressed or crabby. I haven't been running all over town. I've just been listening to Christmas music and hoping we can get our tree up this week.

I know some people who really hate Christmas and trying to think of things to buy for their adult siblings who need nothing and trying to find the money to pay for it. All they do is complain about it. It seems like we don't have to live that way. I think I can change things now and not waste 25 perfectly good Christmases by stressing over sweaters and gift cards.

There are always those moments when I start to feel bad or jealous though. When I hear about someone buying the latest gaming systems or fancy expensive dolls. But even if I had $10,000 extra dollars laying around I still don't think I'd do it. There are so many more important things going on around me. There are people who lost their jobs and can't buy groceries, marriages that are falling apart, people who are trying to celebrate Christmas without a loved one, friends whose kids are receiving treatment at facilities and may not be home for Christmas.

I can give some money to the Salvation Army, I can bake stuff for my neighbors, I can make crafts with my kids and I can forget stores and materialism and just enjoy Christmas.

Check out The Advent Conspiracy

It's The Heart!

I was over at someone's house who was bubbling over about their child's recent ACT scores. They were good enough to receive an academic scholarship to college, along with a probable music scholarship too. That's great! The young person studied hard and did well in both academics and music. I loved college and am always excited when I hear about those plans in the works. I was happy for them.

While we were visiting that day, there was a burning, smoky smell coming from the kitchen. The mother nicely called out to the aforementioned child to please go check the pot. She didn't respond so the mother went and knocked on the door to prompt immediate attention. The young person immediately stomped out of the room and yelled in an indignant tone, "If you walked all this way to get my attention, why didn't you just check it yourself!"

It was kind of awkward and I didn't know what to say! I kind of tried to ignore the situation as I usually do when I'm uncomfortable. I know that exchanges like this aren't out of the ordinary for a teenager and their mother. I remember enjoying a good slamming of the door to make my point!

But as I was thinking about it I am remembering all the times that I have left messages that are not given, been rudely met at the door, and other unimpressive actions on the part of this person. And I started to wonder, is it really so great to have impressive test scores and musical accomplishments if you are acting totally unchristlike and rude to your parents and the people coming to your home?

And it made me think about my daughter who was there witnessing all this with me. I know she will be a normal teenager with outbursts and breakdowns - oh wait she already has those! I really hope she continues to do well in her studies and other activities. It's easy to let those "performance" issues become the most important thing and it can almost be made a "god".

But I do not care about any of that as much as I care about her heart. I care that she loves the Lord enough to act in a way that glorifies Him. I care that she treats others with respect and love. If she never goes to college or accomplishes a lot in music or sports, but has a love for the Lord that is a blessing to those around her then I will be a proud and happy Mom.

1 Peter 3:4
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

1 Peter 3:8
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

Matthew 12:34
You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.